11-18-05

Trust
By Phyllis V. Du'Gas
Last edited: Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Posted: Tuesday, February 08, 2005

"When you put your trust in someone it means that you expect them to do what they say they will do!"

What are your trust issues? Do you have trust issues? I'd be willing to guess that if you live in the Millennium and you're surviving, you have several trust issues. What is trust? Naturally, I went to the source: Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary.

'TRUST'; Acceptance of something as true or reliable without being able to verify it.

To rely on someone to do something or permit someone to use something in the proper way; to confide something to a person's responsible care.

When trust is betrayed, it hurts deep. It could be something as simple as relying on someone to be a friend who turns out not to be.

In life, we spend a lot of time confiding ourselves to someone else's "responsible care". Often that confidence is betrayed because the other person has to serve their own needs. Unfortunately, it's usually at your expense. It's hard to swallow that kind of pain, depending on the circumstances.

Here's an example: Sally meets John and they hit it off. Sally has been hurt time and time again by men who were less than honest with her. She managed to keep her resolve and not allow it to project towards every man she met. They talk on the telephone and eventually meet at a restaurant. Weeks turn to months and Sally and John grow closer. They share an intimate moment. They profess love. They talk everyday of the week for two to three hours on the telephone. Three months into the relationship, Sally finds out that John has been married all along. She had signals along the way, but even when she confronted him, he denied it.

We all have different levels of trust which stem back to our childhood's. Our childhood is always the backdrop for our trust issues. It's in those experiences. The dramas and heartaches of our lives that have us out in this world playing emotional mental games with one another. Further perpetuating our own trust issues.

"When you put your trust in someone it means that you expect them to do what they say they will do, which is usually something that you should be doing for yourself. Trusting in someone usually means that there is something they have that you believe you need, or something you have that you believe they can take away to cause you harm. You place your reliance on words or "promised" action".

When the truth reveals itself, and trust me, it always does. You become disillusioned. Trust is a precious emotion. There are so many games being played with people's trust.

Perhaps if we learn how to trust ourselves, we will be in a better position to trust others.
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11-26-05

Trust and Relationships

by Alan Sieler

All of us, at one stage or other, have experienced a situation in which we have found ourself not trusting another person. This could have been someone we have just met and almost immediately have not felt comfortable with them. Expressions like "Wouldn't trust him/her as far as 1 could kick them" or "Wouldn't touch him/her with a forty foot barge pole" express this lack of trust

Unfortunately though, occasionally not trusting someone else also includes those we have known for a while. Doubts begin to creep into our thinking about their motivation and behaviour, and these can begin to have a major impact on the relationship, for our behaviour in relation to the other person will begin to be different

It is interesting to note that when we find ourself not being comfortable with another person, regardless of the circumstances, we are not always able to articulate what this discomfort is about. What we experience is a strong gut feeling or hunch, which we are not able to explain.

Not trusting someone means that we do not have full confidence in them and consequently we are not interested in pursuing a relationship with them. Even if the circumstances dictate we need to spend some time in their company, we might find ourselves very wary of them and limit how we engage with them.

So far the emphasis has been on the negative side of trust, or to be more precise, lack of trust. But what about when we do trust people? What happens to us when we trust people and what is different for us when we don't trust people?

It would seem that when we trust someone, be it personally and/or professionally, we are willing to enter into a relationship with them. In a trusting relationship we are willing to conduct ourselves differently, engage in a wider range of actions, and also to be more open to a variety of experiences.

The degree to which we trust someone has a major bearing on the type and relationship we will form with them. Relationships are a fundamental part of our existence. In fact, a substantial part of our existence can be thought of as co-existence, as we live and work together with a range of people.

Much of our existence, and the quality of our living, is associated with the quality of our relationships. We exist within a network of relationships, and the quality of these relationships determines the sense of satisfaction, achievement, enjoyment and fulfilment we assess ourself to be experiencing. Much of meaning in life is bound up with our relationships and the associated experiences.

We learn through our experiences in both positive and negative relationships. Positive relationships provide much of what is important for us to have a meaningful existence, They provide the context to have conversations, and it is through conversations that we are able to accomplish important things, and to grow and learn together

Much of our suffering - be it individually, as a family, work group or a society - comes from not having the relationships and conversations which are vital for us, and indeed, which we yearn for. Unfortunately, because of previous experiences, some people find it more difficult than others to develop trusting relationships.

Trust enables relationships to develop and flourish. When trust erodes, the relationship deteriorates. Doubts, which can creep into our thinking about the behaviour of the other person, can act like a poison and a cancer, quickly spreading to sabotage the relationship. Mistrust has a devastating impact on relationships and on the types and quality of conversations that will occur.

Whilst trust is an indispensable component of positive and productive relationships, unfortunately it is something that can all too easily be taken for granted. We may only become aware of its importance when we feel trust has been broken.

"Trust is the glue which holds relationships together"

But what is trust? It could be said that it is a sensation, a hunch, a gut feeling. However, it is possible to be more precise. It can be claimed that trust is simultaneously a bodily sensation, an emotion and a linguistic phenomenon (a. judgement or an opinion). A gut feeling can be the emotional and bodily component of trust, and not being able to articulate it simply means we have not yet developed the linguistic component.

In focusing on the linguistic component, trust can be regarded as a triple assessment. When we trust, or don't trust someone, we are assessing their sincerity, reliability and competence. Trusting or not trusting someone always involves one or more of these assessments.

Typically we tend to associate trust with sincerity - the genuiness of someone in their engagement with us; ie., there is no hidden agenda or "cards being held to the chest". However, reliability is also a crucial facet of trust. Time and standards are two critical elements of reliability; examples of this are turning up to meetings at the agreed time, and completing agreed to tasks on time to a satisfactory standard. Competence involves having the necessary ability and skills to satisfactorily complete a task

The issue of trust is also linked with identity. The image people have of us, the reputation we develop for ourselves, whether positive or negative, cannot be divorced from assessments continually being made about our sincerity, reliability and competence. The conversations people will or will not want to have with us, and the relationship they will want to develop, will be heavily influenced by the identity we have with them.

We develop a reputation for being trustworthy or untrustworthy through our actions. Much of this reputation comes from how we enter into making arrangements and being dependable around the agreements and commitments we make. Do our actions match our words?

Within our relationships it is all to easy to take trust for granted and overlook its pivotal role in our interactions with others. Trust can be regarded as a fragile element of relationships which needs continual nurturing. One or two instances can raise important and lingering questions, which may remain in the background and have a silent but devastating impact on the quality of the relationship.

You may like to consider the following points for your own "action research" around trust. Think of two important people in your life who are part of your relationships network. One with which you have a positive relationship, and one which is not so positive. What differences do you find in your assessments of sincerity, reliability and competence for each relationship? What is different for you emotionally and bodily in these assessments? What is different about the quality of the conversations? What conversations and other actions, by both you and the other person, need to occur for trust to be built? What small steps are you willing to begin to take to have these conversations?
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11-26-05

Finding Lasting Love by Building Trust in Relationships
by Claire Colvin

It's easy to fall in love with a person you don't trust, but it's hard to live with them.

Real, lasting relationships are built on trust. Trust is foundational because it creates a safe environment for intimacy to grow. If your relationship is going to work you need to be able to trust your partner with your past, your present and your future.

Trust takes time and effort, is easily broken and hard to restore but if you're willing to work at it, the reward is the relationship you've always dreamed of.

Revealing Your True Self

Trust allows you to reveal who you really are. In spite of all the tricks we use to try and impress someone during the early stages of dating, intimacy is founded on knowing and being known.

Your partner has to get to know the real you -- what you're like when you're tired, angry, frustrated, elated or talking to your Mom on the phone. They has to love you as you are, not as they hope you might be. Anything less won't last.

Have you seen or read Bridget Jones's Diary? There's one scene where Mark Darcy tells Bridget "I like you, just as you are." She is floored. Why such a strong reaction to a simple comment? Because Mark is telling her that he really sees her and he likes what he sees. He didn't say he'd like her ten pounds lighter, or a little more sophisticated, or prettier, or better read. He likes her as she is, unconditionally. She doesn't have to try and impress him, he's already impressed.

Knowing that you are loved for who you are lets you relax and let your guard down. It lets you be honest without fear of rejection, and frankly, it feels great.

Honest Communication

Trust opens the door to honest communication. You can't communicate honestly if you're always second-guessing how your partner will react and rephrasing your thoughts to fit in with their agenda. Communication takes concentration. In her article, "Why Can't We Communicate?" Geri Forsberg , Ph. D., outlines the five steps to effective communication:

1. Ask questions. Don't assume you understand what a person means. Once you ask a few questions, it doesn't take long to really find out what they really mean.

2. Listen. To become a better communicator, you must be willing to listen so you can understand the other person's perspective.

3. Observe and be willing to verify the information you receive.

4. Let people know what you are thinking by sharing it. By disclosing information about yourself, it aids the other person in understanding who you are and how you are understanding them.

5. Remember that love covers a multitude of sins. If your motives are wanting to understand people and accept them for who they are, then communication will be easier. But if you set out to convince them that your way is the right way, then that's not communication. And that's not love.

Fair Fights

Once you've cleared up your communication, trusting your partner will help you to fight fair when disagreements occur. Face it, if you're involved with a living, breathing human being you are going to fight. Whether the fights tear you apart or actually resolve conflicts and bring you closer together depends on whether or not you fight fair.

What is a fair fight? Most experts agree that fair fighting does the following:

1. Stays on topic. Now is not the time to bring out a list of past wrongs. Deal with the issue at hand.

2. Refuses to resort to name calling and insults. Remember that the point of the argument is solve something, not tear the other person to bits or badger them so they'll quit and you'll win. If you don't respect your partner, or if they feel attacked, they'll stop listening.

3. Avoids generalizations and sticks to the facts. "You always" or " you never" statements do not reflect reality and will only put your partner on the defensive. Stick to what actually happened and how it made you feel.

Building Trust

Trust doesn't just naturally happen between two people, even if they love each other. It takes work and if you've been hurt in the past, it can be especially difficult.

Building trust takes time, you need to show your partner that you are trustworthy and that you trust them in return. If your partner has trouble trusting, you can do a lot to create an environment where trust can grow.

Listen to your partner, respect them and their opinions, and accept them as they are. Reveal parts of your own history, show them that you trust them and you will help them to do the same. If you are vulnerable it helps your partner to feel that he is safe to be vulnerable as well.

Don't rush it. If you truly love your partner and want what's best for them, you'll wait. If you're in a relationship with someone you feel you can't trust, don't ignore it. If you have trouble trusting anyone, you might want to seek counseling before you run away from what could be a great relationship.

Your past does affect your ability to trust. However, if trust hasn't been a problem for you in the past and your gut is telling you to protect yourself from this person, take it as a warning. Take a close look at who they are, how they treats others and how they treats you. Your gut may be giving you good information.
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11-26-05

Rebuilding Trust
by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC

One of my clients once asked me what it means to trust another human being. She wanted to know how she should react when a spouse or significant other is dishonest, inconsiderate or having an affair. She wondered if it is possible to rebuild trust in someone who disappoints us greatly.

What does trusting someone signify?
Trust, in a practical sense, means that you place confidence in someone to be honest with you, faithful to you, keep promises, vows and confidences and not abandon you. Here are some factors to consider about trust. Trusting another person requires a realistic perspective about people and an expectation of failure. Trust needs to be combined with a willingness to forgive and grows best in an environment of acceptance and love.

There's no magic machine, you don't put in a quarter and out drops a can of trust -- trust grows over time. People are complex, broken beings therefore, previous hurts, fears or losses can impede their determination to trust and/or be truthful in a relationship. But, people have the capacity and the ability to change and to grow in trust and truthfulness. You can rebuild trust in broken relationships when you make a choice to do so with the supernatural help of God.

Adjust your expectations
People are human, frail, and sinful. Therefore, you need a realistic type of trust when you choose to trust someone. Trusting grows in relationships over time because as you spend time together with someone you build knowledge, understanding and authenticity. You gain insight into another person's character, needs, motivations and fears.

Unconditional love develops trust because as you express this kind of love towards someone -- generally he or she will sense your acceptance and feel comfortable to be vulnerable and honest about their feelings. Unconditional love actually builds self-esteem in others and alleviates
their fears of rejection. People learn that they can be authentic with you about their feelings, opinions, and failures. The result is a growing trust in the other person. Not because that person is perfect but because that person is growing in honesty.

Unconditional love is patient and kind
It is not self-seeking. It does not keep a record of wrongs. When love is not patient or enduring; when love is unforgiving and always disappointed or looking for something to go wrong, it generates fear and looks for imperfections in the other person. Fear-based love is conditional creating an atmosphere of distrust, dishonesty and instability.

You can have a limited trust in people as you grow to know them and they see you really care about them but the fact is that people will let us down. That is reality. Obviously, when someone has broken their vows and been unfaithful, has lied or been dishonest in the relationship, they need to change. You can make some requests for change and take the risk of starting over again. Get counseling and pastoral guidance. You can find a counselor at www.aacc.net or go to the nearest mental health center. If you are suicidal please contact 911 (in the USA & Canada) or go to a hospital emergency room.

If that person is not sincere about changing and continues to lie or betray you, then, you need to consider whether to end the relationship.

Take a look at yourself as well
You will never be perfect and therefore, you will probably disappoint your loved one as well. You can promise to never say something hurtful or never tell a lie or never exaggerate or always keep your promises or (you name it) but since you are human you will also make mistakes and disappoint that person. The only thing you or your loved one can promise is to grow, to seek God and ask Him for strength to change. Then you and your loved one will become more trustworthy in your relationships, though you will never be perfect.

Every human relationship will suffer hurt. Thus, we all need to become better forgivers and confessors. That ability to reconcile and spirit of humbleness will prove the depth of your love and commitment.

The components of love, forgiveness and commitment are as necessary to trust in a relationship as is honesty. Forgiveness gives you the chance to start over and trust another fallible human being again. Love helps to nourish trust. Commitment and honesty provide accountability to one another.

Read more on The Power of Forgiveness, and What Makes Forgiveness So Hard? At http://www.hoyweb.com/faq/index.htm
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11-26-05

How To Build Trust in Relationships
By Susie and Otto Collins

How do you build trust in relationships? We've found the secret is constant communication, one moment at a time. We both came from dead-end relationships from a state of vulnerability but with a strong desire for a different kind of relationship--a relationship filled with passion, love, honesty, friendship and most of all, partnership.

Safety and trust are the twin sides of the same coin--both involve risk and both form the foundation of any great relationship. Safety is the feeling you get when you have trust. Trust means not only learning to trust others but it's learning to trust yourself--especially if you've been in less than desirable relationships in the past.

From the beginning, we've practiced honesty and not hiding, no matter how painful the truth is. When you've been used to "sparing" the other person or not saying something because it might hurt their feelings or rock the boat, it's very difficult to open up and speak your truth. But we believe this is absolutely necessary to form a solid foundation of trust between two people.

People often will trust a total stranger before trusting an
intimate partner because that total stranger cannot hurt them like they imagine a partner can. Tony Robbins tells a great story about how we all trust every single day of our lives while driving our cars. The fact of the matter is--it takes a great deal of trust to drive down a road at 55 mph with another car coming the other way at 55 mph and only one white line separating the two of you. The potential for danger is great--you don't know that other person; you don't know if they've been drinking; you don't know if they'll stay on their side of the road. That, my friend, takes a lot of trust.

The challenge is to exhibit the same amount of trust in our relationships--knowing, believing, trusting that the other person is acting from their highest good.

Two of the thought patterns that destroy trust in relationships are dwelling on past pain (whether with this person or others)and futurizing about potential negative events that haven't happened. Every time your mind starts to make up wild stories that involve abandonment, guilt, jealousy--those old tapes that just keep running and don't seem to stop--bring yourself back to the present moment and differentiate the past and the future the present. If you focus on "now" and what you want, you will build trust between you and your partner.

When we have these negative feelings, we talk about them--not hiding them but being honest. We've found that when we acknowledge that the source of these feelings originated from past experiences, the situation is not threatening to the other person and we are able to let those negative thoughts go.

If you place your attention on either worrying about past relationships or question where this relationship is going
in the future, you lose the opportunity to be in the moment
for yourself and your partner. You also lose the opportunity to build the trust that you need between the two of you. If you are in a relationship that has gone through some challenges, you can't heal the distance and pain between the two of you by dwelling on the past or fearing the future. You must look at where you are at the present time.

Build trust one moment at a time--remember what Dan
Millman said, "There are no ordinary moments."
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11-27-05


Five Ingredients for Developing Trust in a Relationship
By Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller

Is trust, or the lack of it, affecting your relationship? Because your partner has been "burned" in a previous relationship, is he or she now finding it difficult to trust you? Has infidelity in your relationship made it hard for you and your partner to trust each other? If so, you are not alone..

When couples are asked to describe a situation that causes distress in their relationship, the topic of trust frequently arises. They lament, "I can't trust him with the checkbook," "She never gets home when she says she will," or "He's always saying, 'trust me, I'll get it done,' but he never does." Another typical comment is, "I don't trust her around other men. She's always flirting." These comments indicate the presence of a low level of trust within the relationship.

Although trust between partners clearly leads to feelings of safety and connectedness, many couples don't know how to develop or maintain a trusting relationship. They expect trust to be automatically granted as a part of the commitment. They feel they deserve to be trusted without putting forth effort to foster that trust. They have come to believe that once trust is lost, it can never be regained.

What these couples don't realize is that with the right ingredients, trust can be built, strengthened, and maintained regardless of the past. Mutual love and respect can be intentionally and purposefully increased.

Consider the following five ingredients as you look to develop or rebuild trust in your relationship:

Ingredient #1 -- Say what you are going to do. Communicating your intentions to your partner eliminates the guesswork that often leads to false assumptions and misunderstandings. Tell your partner what you are planning to accomplish and how you would like to include him or her in your plan.

Ingredient #2 -- Do what you say. The more your actions match your words, the more trust others have in you. Trust develops when a person's words are congruent with his or her actions. When you say clearly what you are going to do and then do it, trust grows and strengthens.

Ingredient #3 -- Live in the present. When you keep track of how often a behavior has occurred and make a point of reminding your partner of it, you drag the past into the present. This is called mental scorekeeping. The weight of numerous incidents creates strain that prevents you from addressing the current situation effectively. Scorekeeping builds stress, magnifies the situation, and interferes with the process of communicating clearly and directly about the present incident.

Ingredient #4 -- Look at yourself first. Before pointing a finger at your partner, consider your own behavior. Is there something you might be doing that demonstrates you are not trustworthy? Explore the possibility that you are choosing a behavior that gives your partner the impression that you cannot be fully trusted. Bring that behavior into the open, and talk about it with your partner.

Ingredient #5 -- Time, time, and more time. Time plays a major role in the development and strengthening of trust. Don't expect an overnight change of attitude from either yourself or your partner. The more opportunities you have to demonstrate how your words and actions flow together, the stronger trust will become. That takes time. Look for as many opportunities as possible to match your words with your behavior, and be mindful of your partner's attempts to do the same.

If you feel your relationship is lacking trust, make an investment. Invest in building, strengthening, and maintaining your relationship by mixing the five ingredients together, putting them into practice, and supporting each other in your efforts. The result will be a relationship of mutual respect and connectedness built on a foundation of trust.

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Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of "Couple Talk: How to Talk Your Way to a Great Relationship" (available from Personal Power Press at (toll-free) 877-360-1477). They also publish a FREE email newsletter for couples. Subscribe to it at ipp57@aol.com. Visit www.couple-talk.com and www.thomashaller.com
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