11-18-05

Relationships as learning experiences
by NightWriter

Tue Apr 02 2002 at 22:24:02

Having just come out of a really short relationship (it lasted about a week) that I'd wanted for a long time (she broke up with me, of course), the thought occurred that every relationship is just another experience to learn from and another event to help shape a mature individual. It's a sad notion but it is, at least in part, perfectly true ; the concepts of "nurture" and socialisation are based on the idea that a person is created by influences and interaction s.

The last relationship that I had was my first serious one and was, unfortunately, far from perfect. I didn't get much out of it (being quite one-sided) other than learning a tonne of facts, lessons and things I wish I'd known before, such as the importance of Honesty and Communication and the notion of getting all the serious issues sorted out beforehand.

Armed with this knowledge, I set about making my next relationship a better one, beginning with one significantly different decision: I chose a girl that was completely unlike the first. Wait, that makes it sound too scientific. I just made sure that the girl I fell for wasn't a goth -cum-junkie with a "reputation" and oozing with all sorts of improbable issues. That's sort of where the problems began: this girl was one-and-a-half years younger and very inexperienced in a relationship sense. Moreover -- and this is the bit that should have had warning lights flashing in my head -- she was romantic, idealistic and far too naive. I knew all about this, of course, and when she first expressed an equal interest in me, I was suspicious.

It didn't make any difference. In a week, I was head over heels for this girl, despite the little voice in the back of my mind that kept on telling me to watch out . And then, in some sort of epiphany, said girl realised that she was continuing the relationship for the sake of the relationship, and promptly broke up with me. She certainly learnt something. Her rose-tinted glasses had finally been lifted and she no longer saw herself as a Meg Ryan just waiting for Tom Hanks to stroll along and sweep her off her feet. Well, I sure feel better for knowing that she'll never make the same mistake again .

It's a sad thing to discover that you have just been used as some sort of lesson in the grand scheme of love, a pit-stop on the road to happiness: but it's never entirely fruitless. We had a wonderful few days together (even though remembering them is painful at the moment) and we both learnt something. She learnt the difference between fantasy and reality and I learnt that, no matter how prepared you are, some things are unavoidable. Oh, and I also learnt that, while it may seem a good idea at the time to go for the inexperienced, romantic younger chick, it's best to stick with girls who know what they want and are certain of it.

So you see, relationships are essentially just elaborate learning experiences, each one preparing a person for the One Relationship to end all others. I'm not saying that this is the sole purpose of a relationship, certainly not; but I can't help but wonder that perhaps there is no such person as Miss or Mr. Right, merely that there comes a point when we have nothing more to learn.
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11-18-05

Handling Common Relationship Problems

UF Counseling Center

There are times in all relationships when things don't run smoothly. Often, this is because people have conflicting expectations, are distracted with other issues, or have difficulty expressing what is on their minds in ways that other people can really hear and understand what is being said. Sometimes they just don't know what to do to make a good relationship. The following material is about ways of enhancing relationships and working with common problems.

Emotional Support
Let's begin with emotional support vs. emotional demands. Emotional support for each other is critical. This means giving your partner a feeling of being backed, supported; you're behind him or her no matter what. This does not necessarily mean agreeing with one another all the time. Realistically, no two people will agree on all occasions. What it does mean is treating your partner in a way that says, "I love you and trust you, and I'm with you through anything."

Emotional demands can damage the relationship. Insisting that your partner spend all of his or her time with you, insisting that they give up their friends or that you both hang around only your friends, insisting that you give approval of the clothes they wear, making sure that you make all the decisions about how you spend you time together and where you go when you go out, making them feel guilty when they spend time with their families, making sure you win all the arguments, always insisting that your feelings are the most important... each of these is an emotional demand, and has potential for damaging the relationship.

Emotional support involves accepting your partner's differences and not insisting that they meet your needs only in the precise way the you want them met. An example might be when want your partner to show love for you by spending free time with you, sharing and being open, paying attention to your concerns and needs. Of course these are important activities, but your partner may often show his or her love by doing things, like sharing home responsibilities, bringing you gifts occasionally, discussing the day's events or books and movies you've shared. Find out how your partner chooses to show his or her love for you and don't set criteria which mean that your partner must always behave differently before you're satisfied. Remember, too, that the words "I love you. I like being in a relationship with you. You're important to me." are not demands and need to be said occasionally in any relationship.

Time Spent Together and Apart
Time spent apart and time spent together is another common relationship concern. You may enjoy time together with your partner and your partner may want some time together with you, but you also may enjoy time alone, or with other friends. If this gets interpreted as, "my partner doesn't care for me as much as I care need" or "I resent the time my partner spends alone because they don't want to spend it with me and they must not really love me," you may be headed for a disastrous result by jumping to a premature conclusion. Check out with your partner what time alone means and share your feelings about what you need from the relationship in terms of time together. Perhaps you can reach a compromise where you get more time together but leave your partner the freedom to be alone or with others times when it is needed, without your feeling rejected or neglected or thinking of your partner as selfish, inconsiderate, or non-caring. Demanding what you want, regardless of your partner's needs, usually ends up driving your partner away.

Your Partner's Family
For some people, dealing with their partner's family is difficult. You may wonder how you can have a good relationship with them, or if you want to. Let's assume at the very beginning that most parents are concerned about their children. They do want to stay in contact with their children. They do want to see them, visit them and have continuing contact with them. However, a problem sometimes arises when these parents forget that their children are separate individuals and that they now have separate lives and that they must make their own decisions. Some family members volunteer a lot of uninvited advice or try to tell you and your partner how to run your lives. One way of handling this is to listen respectfully, let them know that you care about what they think and what they would do, but not make any promises to follow their advice. Just simply listen because they have a need to say it. If they attempt to pressure you into agreeing with them, you must be firm in saying, "I respect your views and ideas. Thanks for letting us know how you might deal with it. We'll think about that when we make our decision." You might need to say this a number of times before the family members finally get the message that you're going to make your own decisions even after hearing their advice. It will also be important that you and your partner be in agreement that you will deal with unsolicited advice in this way so you can support one another in the face of what could be some very intense "suggestions."

Friends
There are some people who seem to believe that "If I'm in a relationship. I have to give up all my personal friends unless my partner likes them as well as I do." Giving up your personal friends should not be a requirement of being in a relationship. Neither should it be assumed that your partner will like your personal friends as much as you do, so insisting that your friends should be their friends might not be reasonable. Just as with other areas in a relationship, who you and your partner spend time with together can be negotiated. You might ask, for instance: "Which of my friends do you enjoy seeing and which would you rather I see alone or at other times when I'm not with you?" There is certainly no reason to inflict upon your partner a friend who she or he does not enjoy. You can see those friends somewhere else or you can see them at home at a time when your partner is out doing something else. You do not have to give up your friends who mean a great deal to you. Being forced into giving up friends usually leads to resentment. It's important to talk with your partner about friendships with others, to negotiate them and to recognize that each of you need to continue your friendships even when you are intimately involved with one another.

Money Matters
How do you and your partner make decisions about handling money? Are decisions made individually or mutually? How are the priorities set about how money is to be earned? Spent? Who pays the bills? How much money goes into savings and for what purposes? How are "big ticket" (tuition, childcare, rent, car payments) items decided on? Does each member of the partnership control her or his own money or is it pooled? Is each partner expected to add to the mutual income? If only one is to work, how is it decided who it will be? If you find that you and your partner have differing expectations, it makes sense that you will have to make time to talk about them after stating your feelings, wishes, and desires and listening carefully to those of your partner. Decisions that might be easy to make when you're making them only for yourself might be more difficult when they involve someone else and the best solutions might not be those you think of just on your own. Discussion and cooperation may not provide any magic solutions to difficult financial problems, but knowing you and your partner agree about how to approach the situation will relieve at least some of the stress.

Coping with Changing Expectations in the Relationship
Relationships change over time. This is neither a good nor a bad thing, but it is a fact. What you want from a relationship in the dating stages might be quite different from what you want after you have been together a number of years. Changes in other areas of your life, outside your relationship, will have an impact on what you want and need from the relationship. You need to be sure you and your partner make time to discuss your expectations and negotiate responsibilities. The most important thing is that you need to do a great deal of careful, respectful listening to what each wants, and a lot of careful, clear communication about what each of you wants. Change of any sort tends to be at least a little stressful, yet because it is inevitable, welcoming change as an opportunity to enhance the relationship is more fruitful than trying to keep change from happening. Planning for changes together can lead the relationship into new and exciting places.

Seven Basic Steps to Maintaining a Good Relationship

1. Be aware of what you and your partner want for yourselves and what you want from the relationship.
2. Let one another know what your needs are.
3. Realize that your partner will not be able to meet all of your needs. Some of these needs will have to be met outside the relationship.
4. Be willing to negotiate and compromise on the things you want from one another.
5. Do not demand that a partner change to meet all your expectations. Work to accept the differences that you see between your ideal and the reality.
6. Try to see things from the other's point of view. This doesn't mean that you must agree with one another, but rather that you can expect yourself and your partner to understand and respect your differences, your points of view and your separate needs.
7. Where critical differences exist in your expectations, needs, opinions or views, try to negotiate.
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11-21-05

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

During the past few weeks we've discussed some of the important issues with regard to being single, becoming more assertive, finding someone to date, and getting to know the character of this new potential lover. Of course this leads to the ultimate decision - are they a keeper, or not?

What happens when you realize what you've found is not what you really had in mind? Now you have to find a way to end it - which can be even more difficult than finding them in the first place!

Thinking back to grade school, most people "broke up" through someone else. Suzy's friend Marcy would tell Don's friend Joey that Suzy wanted to break up with Don. Why? A fear of having to be straight up, uncomfortable with the possibility she'd hurt him, etc. etc. Then as these youngsters "grow up", they find other ways to communicate this without involving friends.

The first primitive technique is what I call The Weenie Way. This is where Suzy just flat out stops calling Don. She doesn't return his calls or email, and hopes he'll just get the idea and give up on her. Or Bill goes out on a few dates with Nancy, then simply never calls her again. Many adults still use the Weenie Way as a form of avoidance rather than being direct and upfront.

Then there's the old Make them hate me routine. If I am cold enough, don't have time for them anymore, and do things that will make them angry enough, they'll stop calling me and I won't have to be the one to break up!

Of course we can't leave out the Drop subtle hints for what seems like forever version of breaking up. If we don't show a lot of enthusiasm, seem to be slowly losing interest, and just kind of hint around, maybe they'll get a clue. Closely related to this is the Maybe I'm just not ready for a relationship technique, suggesting the reason you're thinking about not being in a relationship is you; your lifestyle, your job, your inability to get too involved - it's not them.

All of these approaches reflect a sorry state of immaturity, but still happen everyday around us anyway.

It is my belief that the more direct you are, the more open and honest from the beginning, the easier it is to break up in a manner that leaves a mutual respect and sometimes a friendship intact. When a failed relationship ends in an explosion of hurt, anger, and resentment, it's usually because one partner either adopts one of the above approaches to breaking up or (worse yet ) totally shocks the other person with a sudden, out-of-the-blue, statement that they want to end it.

If a relationship doesn't seem to be heading the way you want it to be going, it's not that unreasonable to communicate your thoughts and feelings as you see it begin to unravel. But when you act like everything is perfect because you're afraid of hurting them, then you drop the bomb, well, that's when people snap!

There is an art to breaking up, just like there is in meeting people. If you become comfortable with honest, firm, but non-assailing communication, you can begin and end relationships without all the turmoil and grief that some experience.

When's the right time to end it? That, of course, is different for everyone. For example, if you aren't really ready to get too serious and be on a timeline to get married, then maybe you'd date someone you'll know you'd never marry for a little longer. But when you feel the other person is getting more involved and wants much more than you and you sense an imbalance occurring, it's time to start communicating how you see things progressing and your thoughts about your future together.

If the relationship starts off on the wrong foot, and you feel it's too much work for the amount of pleasure, I'd end it sooner than later. Too many people are way too patient, and spend years in a series of high maintenance relationships that should have been terminated early on. The timing issue is never a simple one since there are many variables in each relationship. So instead of trying to pinpoint when you should break up, I'd rather leave you with one thought about HOW you do it.

Don't over - communicate from the beginning about every thought and feeling you have about your new relationship. But do keep a dialogue going on a regular basis about what you want, how you see things are going, and what direction you're heading. If and when your new relationhip falters and it's time to end it, it shouldn't be a surprise to either of you.

There's no need to protect this person from the truth that you want out - they can handle it. They may be hurt or disappointed, but you aren't't awesome that they won't be able to live without you. They''l get over it. You owe it to them, and to you, to not let it drag on forever. Don't take the Weenie Way out - tell them how you feel. In the long run they'll respect you more, won't slash your tires, and hopefully find it in their heart to salvage a friendship out of it.

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11-21-05

Head Versus Heart

In the battle of head versus heart, heart will almost always win. But here are some truths to give your head a fighting chance.


Myth #1: There is only one soulmate for every one person in the world.
Reality: There are millions of potential soulmates for every person in the world.
You think he/she is the only one? Wrong. You may think that now, but you'll see.

Myth #2: Your heart will never fully recover.
Reality: It will.
The steps suggested on this website begin to help, and then complete recovery occurs when you eventually fall in love again with someone knew.

Myth #3: You can't fall in love with someone new if you're already in a good relationship.
Reality: Yes you can. It's true that you can only be 'madly' in love with one person at any given time, but it is possible to be in love with two people at once.
People who are in good, happy, healthy relationships can still fall in love with someone new. That's what makes life complicated.

The bottom line is this: It's important that you have faith in the fact that you'll get over your broken heart. The emotional part of your mind finds this hard to believe. But your rational mind has to be strong, and convince you that you will. Trust me on this one. It's not a matter of whether you'll get over it, it's a matter of how long it will take.
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11-21-05

Lost love

Every love affair has it's lifetime. This that as long as it has a start it has a finish. Some relationships last to the end of partners lifetime, some die soon after they started.

Love may start as the strongest passion but time passes and the storm of emotions calms down, relationships once so bright and full of surprises become routine. It drags on for a while and than comes crisis. A couple can either survive through it or fall apart.

Even when the love is gone it's always hard to realise that you have to quit something once so good. There's no certain way to decrease the sad feelings about falling apart. You may only try to stay civilised people about it and to let the one who's leaving do it without making up grandiose scandals and hysterics.

Although some think that it's better to stay enemies than friends because than you will have nothing to regret about and won't execute meaningless attempts to get things back. But is it so right to ruin all the memories about the happy time two people have spent together with ugly scenes screaming and blaming each other in the worst sins?

It's over when it's over and sometimes it's obvious that all is over. Two people scream and shout one at the other almost everyday, they have nothing to talk about and if they do every conversation turns into a quarrel, one finds faults with everything the other does, they both simply annoy each other. That's definitely the end.

The question is where the love' gone. Nobody knows it. Maybe they've been spending too much time together and finally have started to bore each other. Maybe he has stopped telling her about his love and she has stopped feeling it. Maybe time has made the illusions disappear and the reality has turned to be not what they both expected. Maybe there was only passion and after it's gone nothing has left. There can be plenty of those maybes. Every misfortune has it's own face. It may even be that nothing is over but people need to take a little rest one from the other or try to diversify their relationships. In fact when each one of a couple is willing to fight to make love stay they'll find the way to do it.

The real tragedy is when one still feels the love but the other is bored and wants to leave. If the feeling is really gone no tricks will help to keep the partner, sooner or later he or she will finally leave and those few more weeks together won't make you happier. The only thing you can really do in this case is to try to get over him/her as soon as possible. That misery will pass as the happiness did.

Sometimes (and it specially refers to women) a man looses his interest to a woman because she has given up her job, interests, friends and etc. in order to become the part of his life, to be everything he needs. He doesn't have to conquer her anymore, she has stopped being a personality with her own life that he had once fallen in love with. If fact this is one of the general mistakes people do. They get too comfortable and stop fighting for each others love. And than when a partner starts packing bags they wonder where did I go wrong.

But still in very many cases lost love isn't anyone's fault. It is just the way things go. We should never stop believing that next time the feeling will be real and will finally last to the very end. We have no limit of times that we can fall in love and so although it's sad to loose love, each time we do we should try to look at it as on the chance to find a new better one.
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11-26-05

Ambiguity- Verbal Camouflage


Laura Symons, Director of Academic Resource/Writing Center

Originally published in Point of View Volume 2, November 1, Winter 1981-82.

The clock radio pulls us from sleep with the morning news. We read the cereal box while watching "Good Morning America." We are on the phone, at the keyboard, speaking with customers, or in front of piles of papers all day. We listen to N.P.R.'s "All Things Considered" on the drive home from work, and finally fall asleep to "The Tonight Show" or the "Late Show." We fill our days with a multitude of words. Having been taught to trust written words, film, and tape recordings, we depend on them to function in place of memory. We are inundated with so much information we can no longer distinguish what is important. the average American retains only 25% of the information he or she hears,1 and few are able to select what that 25% will be.

The printed or recorded words have an air of authority: "I know this is true. I read it." The spoken word has been placed in double jeopardy. It has little chance of being remembered, and is somehow less real than the television, magazine, or newspaper version.

Our communication is in crisis. In the United States, as in most of the Western cultures, we give minimal attention to the unrecorded word, thus sapping it of its power. The recorded word we immediately forget, because we can always refer to it later. Memory atrophies. As we transfer our trust to recorded word and devalue the spoken, we become less able to respond to the non-verbal messages that are an integral part of the communication fabric. Verbal superficialities replace subtle communication, and we lose the ability to "give our word" because we have no word to give.

Atmospheric Communication

Communication is generally viewed as the exchange of information and ideas through a simple statement and response. It is becoming clear that this definition is limiting us; that communication is atmospheric and pervasive; that we can neither abstain from communication nor choose to initiate it. It is as involuntary, continuous, necessary, and yet as ultimately controllable as breathing. Daily, we relinquish the possibility of control by denying the reality of our perceptions and the effects we have on others.

According to the studies of J.C. Bose and others, it has been demonstrated that plants receive and respond to messages -- even the thoughts of human beings far away -- while not possessing a brain or other organs that we normally consider to be "conscious."2 Can human beings with our intricate nervous systems and complex brains be less sensitive to our surroundings than plants? And might we also have means of sensing that what we do not yet recognize?

Just as it is hard to believe that plants can receive and respond to thoughts, it can be difficult to believe that we could be conscious of the entire communication we are receiving because (1) some forms of the message do not correspond to communication as we define it, and (2) we rarely, if ever, listen wholly with all of our senses. We are capable of consciously receiving a more complete communication, but our present patterns seem to steer us further and further away from learning how to be aware of what we receive.

Each person has a certain rhythm and tone that is the emanation of his or her heartbeat, nerve cell impulse, thought process, and motion complex. We broadcast our entire being and consciousness every wakeful moment and receive that message from everything around us. Just as our nerve impulses communicate the condition of individual cells to the rest of the body, the fabric of communication connects us all together, and provides the means for us to receive and respond to our world. Once we understand that we are part of an atmosphere in which everything communicates in an intimately related way, we can begin to consciously interpret what we receive and direct what we send.

In whatever form it comes, most of the communication message is channeled into the unconscious by the filtering system each human uses to sort incoming information and motor responses. The more obvious messages are consciously noted, as when someone is upset or unhappy but carrying a neutral facial expression. We may notice that he or she moves differently than usually or is taking a long time to respond. We may sense that a certain person makes us feel nervous or impatient, but the chances are that we won't give it more than a moment's notice before relying on the words being said as the only accountable message.

We Dance

We sense and respond to the rhythm and tone of those around us, creating, as it were, a kind of dance that is choreographed by the dancers and their physical surroundings. It is important that we acknowledge this dance, become aware of our part in it, and learn to consciously create it. But as long as we do not acknowledge the preferences that determine our selection processes, we can never have the clarity we need to be our own dance masters. We do mating dances or warning dances only partially aware of the messages we are sending and receiving. We allow them to become habitual. If a person sounds like someone else we know, we respond in the pattern we have established for the other person. It seems that if we can become conscious of this pattern, we can identify the habit and adjust the pattern to the individual and the moment. If we deny or do not practice working with the subtleties, we eventually lose the ability to see them at all.

Taking out the Garbage, Honestly

An example will illustrate one of the ways we deal with the complexities of communication in our society. Jane asks Tom to take out the garbage. Tom says he will do it. Tom's entire non-verbal communication -- everything but the actual words -- is giving the message that if he does take out the garbage it won't be for quite a while, and if he's lucky, Jane will lose patience and do it herself. If Jane calls Tom on his non-verbal message, he will indignantly insist that he said he would do what she asked. If she waits and then asks why he hasn't done the task, he simply will have forgotten. He has made no commitment as to when he will do it. Because the message has come in a non-verbal mode, he feels he can deny it.

If Tom and Jane had a contract or written fob description for their roles in their relationship, Tom might have been more concerned about coming through on his "promise," but it's unlikely that there would be an agreement like that because the crux of his conflict is an unwillingness to give one's word. Strangely enough, this stems from a respect for the power and binding force of the word, and the lack of self-confidence to make a commitment. While the result is a kind of dishonesty and the perpetuation of selfishness and laziness, underneath the unwillingness to give a clear answer is a desire to be honest.

It is quite a paradox: dishonest, deflective communication patterns created out of an innate sense of ethics, honesty, and the power of words.3

Low Context Culture

Another factor contributing to our inability to read the non-verbal and value the verbal message is our "low-context" culture. In a "high-context" culture, the cultural tradition and customs are so commonly understood by all that an intricate and subtle non-verbal communication system has been developed. Much is communicated without having to be said.

Japan, for instance, is a "high-context" culture. I once asked a Japanese woman who is a graduate student in communications at an American university what she felt is the main difference between Japanese and American cultures. She answered, "the necessity to talk, talk, talk." If she needs to study in the dormitory and someone is playing the radio loudly, she asks her to please turn it down. In a similar situation in Japan, the neighbor would have come to ask if the radio might be bothering her. Her verbal response would be that it was not bothering her at all. The neighbor would be expected to read the non-verbal cues and turn down the radio. If she would have to go so far as to ask the neighbor, it would show the neighbor to be unspeakably insensitive.

This kind of communication requires individuals not only to monitor their thoughts and the habit patterns they are developing, but also to be responsible for the effect they have upon others. One becomes acutely aware of the value of self-discipline for harmoniously fulfilling the role that he or she plays as part of the cultural community.

Like other "high-context" cultures, the Japanese have had an organic tradition that has been part of the mainstream of their society. And while Japan is experiencing a degree of Westernization, this tradition remains a major influence. As a culture, the United States has not established a tradition which allows for this degree of understanding and communication. The United States is characterized by a wide variety of cultural backgrounds and a high degree of mobility among the population. Each culture adds a non-verbal language that must be learned by others or translated to them. It takes time to develop deep communication with someone even if we have the same non-verbal system. If we speak different non-verbal languages and are constantly changing jobs, homes, and family constituents, we never have the time to develop in-depth communication with others. We have to start at the beginning with superficialities so often that we become comfortable with them and hesitate to go deeper. Consequently, we are producing a generation that expects change, and concomitantly prizes a glib verbal mode and shuns long-term responsibility.

Kreme is not Cream, and Luv is not Love

The idea that commitment has become distasteful can be seen in the verbal camouflaging we do. A friend of mine recently told me that she has three words, "weird," "strange," and "interesting," that she uses as her response to a variety of situations. When someone finally asked her what she meant by "strange," she realized that it meant the same as "interesting" and "weird," and that was nothing. They were a verbal shield that protected her from defining her own response and committing herself to it.

As little as we value it, speech is a commitment. Through words we make other people able to hold us responsible for what we have said we think, feel, or intend to do. My friend's verbal camouflage was one of a wonderful variety of techniques that allows us to use lots of words while avoiding any commitment.

Another technique has been passed on to us by the advertising industry. If the product is called "cream," it must contain cream. If the product is called "kreme," the advertiser is not committed to anything except to meeting a certain expectation for flavor or consistency. In fact, the product can have everything in it but cream. We also have words such as "wuv" or "luv" for love, so that we can avoid committing ourselves. If I send you a card that says, "I wuv you THIS much!!!", I'm telling you either that I feel something for you that I haven't quite defined, or that I love you but don't have the guts to admit it. "Wuv" is baby talk. By regressing to infantile language, it seems that the speaker is trying to return to childhood and thus absolve himself or herself of the responsibility for mature love.

Thoughts are a commitment, too. Our non-verbal communication bespeaks our thoughts, opinions, and assumptions even while our words are denying them. We are not trained to consider our thoughts; we are trained to think about what we say. By being aware of what we think, we come to know what we believe. By not considering our thoughts, we make ourselves unable to commit. And so the verbal hedging goes on.

Fluid Commitment

The ironic results of relying on words we give little value can be found everywhere in our culture. For years the word "friend" has been working its way to become synonymous with "acquaintance." We have had to add adjectives and find new words to indicate the commitment that "friend" once described. Now, instead of "friend" or "lover," we have "significant others" -- a term that falls somewhere past the current -- meaning of "friend" and somewhat shy of "spouse". This allows us to be honest without being accountable, and to define our degree of commitment as we go along.

The recorded word, our last stronghold of commitment, can be denied almost as easily as the non-verbal "Till death do us part!" has about a fifty percent chance of being true in our society.4 Law students are told that laws are written with a certain degree of ambiguity to afford the judge some latitude in applying the rule to individual situations. It would appear that this valid concept has been taken into daily interaction and stretched to the point of the ridiculous. We make ambiguous statements and wait until the other party has responded before deciding what we have meant. My friend's "interesting" means "good" or "bad" after I have responded to it. This verbal hedging is antithetical to the development of honesty, integrity, clarity, or trust. Ambiguity, whether intentional or unintentional, manipulates. Foggy thought and speech thus manipulate, and cross the fine line between ethical and unethical use of communication. No one can prove that the speaker is being unethical, although we all sense it and could read this message if we only knew how.

Self-Seeing

Communication can be a tool for self-seeing, especially after years of interaction with other individuals committed to understanding. But when my neighbors, my co-workers, and even my family are in a constant state of flux, and when commitment is a specter rather than a tool for building personal strength, then I am encouraged by everything around me to become skilled at maintaining a smooth verbal exterior that is disconnected from my real self. Inside I am frustrated. Nobody understands me, including myself. How can I hope to find meaning and satisfaction in my life?

I once told that if we are unwilling to make the little sacrifices called for in life, we will find ourselves confronted with a big sacrifice and no choice about making it. Let us consider that if we cannot begin to sacrifice comfortable superficialities, fear of commitment, and denial of non-verbal communication, by learning to focus and commit ourselves to what we say, think, and believe; then we may be forced to sacrifice a great degree of self-understanding and communion with our fellow human beings.
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11-28-05

Defense Mechanisms

Psychoanalysis and psychodynamic theory have described the process by which we protect ourselves from awareness of our undesired and feared impulses. Defense mechanisms are our way of distancing ourselves from a full awareness of unpleasant thoughts, feelings and desires.

In psychoanalytic theory, defense mechanisms represent an unconscious mediation by the ego of id impulses which are in conflict with the wishes and needs of the ego and/or superego. By altering and distorting one's awareness of the original impulse, one makes it more tolerable.

However, while defense mechanisms are used in an attempt to protect oneself from unpleasant emotions, they often result in equally harmful problems. Below are some of the more common defense mechanisms.

Compartmentalization is a process of separating parts of the self from awareness of other parts and behaving as if one had separate sets of values. An example might be an honest person who cheats on their income tax return and keeps their two value systems distinct and unintegrated while remaining unconscious of the cognitive dissonance.

Compensation is a process of psychologically counterbalancing perceived weaknesses by emphasizing strength in other arenas. The "I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover" philosophy can be an example of compensation as can the Napoleonic complex.

Denial is the refusal to accept reality and to act as if a painful event, thought or feeling did not exist. It is considered one of the most primitive of the defense mechanisms because it is characteristic of very early childhood development.

Displacement is the redirecting of thoughts feelings and impulses from an object that gives rise to anxiety to a safer, more acceptable one. Being angry at the boss and kicking the dog can be an example of displacement.

Fantasy, when used as a defense mechanism, is the channeling of unacceptable or unattainable desires into imagination. This can protect ones self esteem as when educational, vocational or social expectations are not being met, one imagines success in these areas and wards off self condemnation.

Intellectualization is the use of a cognitive approach without the attendant emotions to suppress and attempt to gain mastery over the perceived disorderly and potentially overwhelming impulses. An example might be an individual who when told they had a life threatening disease focuses exclusively on the statistical percentages of recovery and is unable to cope with their fear and sadness.

Projection is the attribution of one's undesired impulses onto another. Thus, an angry spouse accuses their partner of hostility.

Rationalization is the cognitive reframing of ones perceptions to protect the ego in the face of changing realities. Thus, the promotion one wished fervently for and didn't get becomes "a dead end job for brown nosers and yes men".

Reaction Formation is the converting of wishes or impulses that are perceived to be dangerous into their opposites. A woman who is furious at her child and wishes her harm might become overly concerned and protective of the child's health.

Regression is the reversion to an earlier stage of development in the face of unacceptable impulses. For an example an adolescent who is overwhelmed with fear, anger and growing sexual impulses might become clinging and begin thumb sucking or bed wetting.

Repression is the blocking of unacceptable impulses from consciousness.

Sublimation is the channeling of unacceptable impulses into more acceptable outlets.

Undoing is the attempt to take back behavior or thoughts that are unacceptable. An example of undoing would be excessively praising someone after having insulted them.
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You are listening to Silk Road by Kitaro

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