|
ARTICLES WITHIN THIS TOPIC
· RELEASING AFFIRMATION
· GOOD-BYE CEREMONY FOR
COUPLES
· SIMPLY JUST ‘LET
GO’
· CUTTING CORDS TO A TOXIC
RELATIONSHIP
· POWER STRUGGLES IN RELATIONSHIPS
· EXERCISE IN FORGIVENESS
& LETTING GO
· RELATIONSHIPS BEGIN WITH
YOU
· HOW DO I END A RELATIONSHIP
WITHOUT HURTING SOMEONE’S FEELINGS?
· SAYING GOOD-BYE
· LETTING GO, LETTING BE
· 10 SIGNS IT’S TIME
TO BREAKUP
· LETTING GO OF A RELATIONSHIP
THAT DOESN’T NOURISH US
· RELATIONSHIP BREAK UP
ADVICE
· 7 TIPS FOR A BROKEN RELATIONSHIP
· RANDOM THOUGHTS TO A
COACHING CLIENT
· LETTING GO ~ WHEN IS
IT TIME?
** For more articles on this topic click on the link below. If the link doesn't work, copy the URL and paste it into your browser.
http://puh.jommies22.tripod.com/id9.html
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11-17-05
An incredible releasing affirmation
that actually works.
Your relationship is over. You are devastated, and you are feeling his/her energy (his/her thoughts).
It keeps you hanging on. If you are ready to let go of him/her, here is a wonderful powerful affirmation that works if you
work it. You must repeat the following affirmation out loud at least 1/2 to 1 hour a day over and over again EVERYDAY for
at least 2-3 weeks. DO NOT SKIP A DAY. If you have time restraints, repeat your affirmation in the in the shower, car, etc.
After about 2-3 weeks, you will feel a shift and a weight will be lifted from you. He/she might return once they unconsciously
feel you pulling away; however, check their attentions. You could also create a brand new soul connection in 2-3 weeks.
I
WISH YOU THE BEST AND I RELEASE YOU___________
LINKS:
http://www.learningplaceonline.com/relationships/letgo/4/38.htm
(addresses many issues concerning family relationships)
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Good-bye Ceremony for Couples
By
Lynne Azpeitia, MA, MFT
There is an old Vietnamese saying, so I've been told, that it is a kind thing to help
an elephant rise to his feet after he has fallen, but it is foolish to interfere with an elephant who is in the process of
falling.
When applied to therapists, it might be said that we are often asked to pull together a relationship that
is deteriorating so badly that nothing can prevent its collapse. That's because many couples don't seek therapy until their
relationship has become distant, difficult or painful. Consequently, all these couples can think about is stopping the pain
and ending their turmoil (see What Motivates People to Change?). By the time they reach my office, all they want to do is
end the relationship.
Approximately 80% of couples who seek therapy at this stage will succeed in terminating their
relationships. This doesn't mean therapy was unsuccessful, just that the relationship was too far gone to be saved. Had some
of these couples sought professional help earlier, their relationships might have been salvaged.
Nevertheless, frequently
therapy can be extremely valuable in helping couples who decide to end their relationships to separate as amicably as possible.
Reducing emotional reactivity and fighting, sorting out differences, saying good-bye, healing hurt and learning from the experience
are some of the benefits of this type of therapy.
Toward that end, there is one particular technique I use with couples
that you may find helpful if you have decided to end your relationship and have been working on the issues related to that
process. I call it the "Good-bye Ceremony for Couples." Here is how it works.
Place two chairs facing back to back
and each of you sit in one of them.
Next you will go through an exercise in which you will complete several sentences,
one sentence at a time, taking turns answering.
Repeat the sentence as many times as it takes until you run out of
things to say, then you can start on the next one.
It is off-limits to complete a sentence with a comeback to the
other's previous sentence.
It is also off-limits to argue or discuss what anyone said.
Here are the sentences,
to be used in the order indicated, although either 1 or 2 can be first and either 4 or 5 can be fourth. (I recommend you print
this page so you won't have to try and remember them, since this can be an emotional, although healing, experience.)
1.
I resent _________________
2. I regret _________________
3. I remember fondly _________________
4.
You still owe me _________________
5. I still owe you _________________
6. My good-bye statement to you is
_________________
When the sequence is complete, simply say "good-bye" and silently move your chair one step away
from your partner. Have at least a two-minute period of silence.
If you are working with a therapist in doing this,
take a break or close the session at this point. Then, if there is another session, you can process what went on.
I
have found this extremely helpful and would be glad to talk with therapists interested in using this technique. And if you
choose to do this without a therapist, I wish you well.
© Copyright, 2002, Lynne Azpeitia, MA, MFT
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Simply just 'let go'
"Its just letting go," the
wise one said.
But oh how difficult it is.
Years of personal experience, combined with centuries of cultural
learning, have taught us the importance of holding on.
We hold on to our desires
We hold on to what we think
we need.
We hold on to what promises us happiness.
We hold on to our possessions.
We hold on to our
image of who we are
We hold on to our ideas of what is right.
We hold on to our theories.
We hold
on to our beliefs.
We hold on to our attitudes.
We hold on to our judgements.
We hold on to the past
We hold on to the future.
We hold on to our grievances.
We hold on to our fears.
We hold on
to our loves
We hold on to our lovers.
We hold on to money.
We hold on to our thoughts.
We
hold on to our illusions.
We hold on to our gods.
We hold on to our bodies.
We hold on to our lives
But why do we hold on?
Why do we hold on?
Maybe we believe that our safety lies in holding on,
That
losing our grip could spell disaster,
Or we may believe that holding on is the way to salvation.
But do we
really know it is safer to hold on?
Would letting go really be so bad?
Do we really gain from holding on?
It is the role of the teacher to show us that such security is illusory.
That holding on only holds us back.
That our salvation lies in letting go.
Our holding on is a constraint we've placed upon ourselves.
It
is an attitude, a way of thinking.
And our thinking - unlike the weather or the movements of the planets - is one
thing we have complete control over.
The task of the teacher is to show us that we can change our minds, and that
it is safe to do so.
THE PARABLE OF THE ROPE
We are like a person holding on to a piece of rope.
He holds
on for dear life, knowing that if he were to let go he would fall to his death. His parents, his teachers, and many others
have told him this is so; and when he looks around he can see everyone else doing the same.
Nothing would induce him
to let go.
Along comes a wise person. She knows that holding on is unnecessary, that the security it offers is illusory,
and only holds you where you are. So she looks for a way to dispel his illusions and help him to be free.
She talks
of real security, of deeper joy, of true happiness, of peace of mind. She tells him that he can taste this if he will just
release one finger from the rope.
"One finger," thinks the man; "that"s not too much to risk for a taste of bliss."
So he agrees to take this first initiation.
And he does taste greater joy, happiness, and peace of mind.
But
not enough to bring lasting fulfillment.
"Even greater joy, happiness and peace can be yours," she tells him, "if
you will just release a second finger."
"This," he tells himself, "is going to be more difficult. Can I do it? Will
it be safe? Do I have the courage?" He hesitates, then, flexing his finger, feels how it would be to let go a little more
. . . and takes the risk.
He is relieved to find he does not fall; instead he discovers greater happiness and inner
peace.
But could more be possible?
"Trust me," she says. "Have I failed you so far? I know your fears, I know
what your mind is telling you -- that this is crazy, that it goes against everything you have ever learnt -- but please, trust
me. Look at me, am I not free? I promise you will be safe, and you will know even greater happiness and contentment."
"Do
I really want happiness and inner peace so much," he wonders, "that I am prepared to risk all that I hold dear? In principle,
yes; but can I be sure that I will be safe, that I will not fall?" With a little coaxing he begins to look at his fears, to
consider their basis, and to explore what it is he really wants. Slowly he feels his fingers soften and relax. He knows he
can do it. And he knows he must do it. It is only a matter of time until he releases his grip.
And as he does an even
greater sense of peace flows through him.
He is now hanging by one finger. Reason tells him he should have fallen
a finger or two ago, but he hasn"t. "Is there something wrong with holding on itself?" he asks himself. "Have I been wrong
all the time?"
"This one is up to you," she says. "I can help you no further. Just remember that all your fears are
groundless."
Trusting his quiet inner voice, he gradually releases the last finger.
And nothing happens.
He
stays exactly where he is.
Then he realizes why. He has been standing on the ground all along.
And as he looks
at the ground, knowing he need never hold on again, he finds true peace of mind.
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11-18-05
Cutting Cords to Toxic
Relationships
(There is a
link on the left side specifically for dysfunctional/toxic aspects)
Bridge Exercise / Infinity Exercise
Among healers the sharing of energy is referred to as cording. This cord represents life support tubing energetically
connecting two individuals together. Babies are born with a cord attaching them to their mothers, this is natural. But there
comes a time for a mother to Cut the Apron Strings allowing her child to go out into the world on its own. This is appropriate.
If the mother fails to break the cord, the child will eventually attempt to do it. This too is appropriate.
We aren't
meant to be sucking up other people's energy. We also don't want to be allowing any psychic vampires sucking up ours.
The
world is full of unhealthy relationships. In these relationships, individuals cling to one another allowing cord attachments
to occur between them. Seldom is the sharing done equally.
Actually if the energy sharing was done equally it would
be silly to have the cord in place at all. It is possible to be in a relationship without cording one another, in fact it
is preferable. Couples that share one life source ordinarily create a relationship in which one individual becomes weaker,
the other stronger. The weakened person feels collapsed because of giving away his/her life source. The stronger person feels
great for a time, but his/her appetite may very well increase, craving more and more of the shared energy.
There are
different types of situations we face in life that are difficult. Ending relationships ranks pretty high up in the "tough
stuff" category. It doesn't matter if you were the person who walked away or if someone else left you, a loss is felt either
way. It is especially painful if a relationship ends without closure. Unfortunately, often times when people "breakup" what
they don't realize is that they may very well still have cords attached. The intact cord keeps an open channel for continuous
feeding on each others emotions and anxieties.
Experiencing pain from an estranged relationship or troubled marriage?
Try either the bridge visualization or infinity exercise to gently release the cord attachment to free yourself of continued
feelings of sadness or separation.
Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair
Slam the Door on Psychic Vampires
Cutting
the Apron Strings
Bridge Visualization
Visualize a walking bridge in your mind. Imagine yourself standing
on the far end of this bridge. Now imagine the person you are wanting to cut cords with is standing on the opposite end of
the bridge. When you feel ready to energetically connect with the other person begin walking slowly to the middle of the bridge.
Allow the other person to walk toward you, meeting you half way. Once you are in eye contact with one another you may begin
communicating with an inner dialog. Tell the person what your feelings are. This is not a time to be angry or be holding onto
grudges - you are releasing the ties. Tell the person that you are sorry for all of the things you said or did that hurt him/her.
Tell him/her that you are forgiving him/her for all the hurtful things that were said or done in your relationship. Say your
good-byes, wishing each other well in your separateness. Turn around and walk off the bridge.
Note: It is okay if
the other person remains on the bridge as they may not be as ready to be disconnected from you as you are and it may take
some adjusting on his/her part to get used to being outside of your energy.
Infinity Exercise
This exercise is
done with another person. If the person you wish to break the emotional cords with is willing to participate this is extremely
helpful. Otherwise choose someone who is willing to act as a surrogate of the person you wish to cut bonds with.
Two
persons face each other while standing 6-8 feet apart from one another. Visualize the infinity sign (number 8 sideways) being
traced again and again in a continuous cycle. Each crossing of the infinity sign between you symbolizes severing the cord
that is keeping you emotional attached. This exercise can be done silently or with conversations of forgiveness and closure.
You may like to visualize the encircling tracings in different colors as you deal with different feelings during this session.
Red for releasing passions or feelings of anger, pink or green for calming heartaches, etc. Repeat this exercise until you
feel satisfied that separation has occurred.
Copyright © Phylameana lila Désy
Power Struggles in Relationships
from
Joseph Ghabi
Need to Control
Have we ever wondered why we feel the need to control our partner? If this is
the case, why are we in the relationship in the first place? Are we trying to prove something to ourselves, in order to fill
the gap of something that is lacking? Perhaps we need that extra confidence that we think we are achieving when we are in
control of someone elseís life, making him or her feel insecure as a result of that domination. I believe there are many possible
reasons and many questions and their answers come from the need to look to our inner selves in the first place.
In
many relationships of our time and from what we can see with the people in our surroundings, we become able to evaluate the
way they respond to conflicts or harsher situations in their lives. The initial response and what appears to be an ëeasy escapeí
is that we always tend to shift the blame to the other person involved and claim we have nothing to do with the incident in
the first place. We like to proclaim that he or she was manipulating our weakness or our self-confidence and used it as a
weapon against us. This may be the case, but we do have responsibility for ourselves and should NOT allow for such treatment
to take place.
One thing I personally cannot understand is why we allow our emotions to overpower our rational mind
when the people around us who really do care are constantly reminding us we should leave the situation that is bringing us
pain and hurting, but we choose not to listen to anyone. Many people have told me ""it is easier said than done." I don't
think so! When we are in any situation where we can see no apparent opportunity of growth in that relationship, but we choose
to stay anyway even though we are being hurt in the process, well, there is no excuse! Sometimes we are afraid of leaving,
this may well be the case, but we need to find out why we are afraid and what it is exactly we are afraid of. That might help!!!
Need to Control
Have we ever wondered why we feel the need to control our partner? If this is the case, why are
we in the relationship in the first place? Are we trying to prove something to ourselves, in order to fill the gap of something
that is lacking? Perhaps we need that extra confidence that we think we are achieving when we are in control of someone elseís
life, making him or her feel insecure as a result of that domination. I believe there are many possible reasons and many questions
and their answers come from the need to look to our inner selves in the first place.
In many relationships of our
time and from what we can see with the people in our surroundings, we become able to evaluate the way they respond to conflicts
or harsher situations in their lives. The initial response and what appears to be an ëeasy escapeí is that we always tend
to shift the blame to the other person involved and claim we have nothing to do with the incident in the first place. We like
to proclaim that he or she was manipulating our weakness or our self-confidence and used it as a weapon against us. This may
be the case, but we do have responsibility for ourselves and should NOT allow for such treatment to take place.
One
thing I personally cannot understand is why we allow our emotions to overpower our rational mind when the people around us
who really do care are constantly reminding us we should leave the situation that is bringing us pain and hurting, but we
choose not to listen to anyone. Many people have told me ""it is easier said than done." I don't think so! When we are in
any situation where we can see no apparent opportunity of growth in that relationship, but we choose to stay anyway even though
we are being hurt in the process, well, there is no excuse! Sometimes we are afraid of leaving, this may well be the case,
but we need to find out why we are afraid and what it is exactly we are afraid of. That might help!!!
This article
continued here: http://healing.about.com/cs/uc_directory/a/uc_powerstruggl_3.htm
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11-18-05
Exercise For Forgiveness
and Letting Go
by William York
Many times our less positive past experiences can seem to be overwhelming
and create a less than balanced experience in the present. This healing meditation is designed to allow you direct access
to the energetic component of all of your past experiences and allow you to not only gain the benefit of forgiveness, but
give you the opportunity to let go of the past. I highly recommend that you work on only one experience at a time. If you
are working on numerous experiences with a particular individual I suggest you work on only one experience at a time. Please
read this entire meditation through several times before beginning. If at any point you feel very uncomfortable during the
meditation you should not continue.
It is important that before starting that you find a quiet, comfortable place
to sit where you will not be disturbed for at least 45 minutes. I find it helpful to take a good hot shower (not a bath!)
before starting. Wear loose-fitting, comfortable clothing. It is best to wait at least three to four hours after eating before
beginning. I find that this meditation is really best done in the early evening. After finishing you will need a good rest.
You may wish to skip dinner altogether and to have someone else (if possible) have some soup ready for you when you are done.
It is important that after finishing that you allow yourself at least 2 to 4 hours of rest. You will have transmuted a great
deal of energy and your physical body will be tired. Also, while you will have made substantial progress in healing, the rest
will allow you to not revisit the issue for several hours. When you awake you will notice a substantial clearing of energy
in regards to your issue.
If you follow these steps you will have released most if not all the energy in regards to
your issue. You will always be able to go back to the experience but you will have the strength to see it in a new light.
However, once the issue is resolved I highly recommend that you just let it go. See it for the learning experience that it
is and move on in gratitude.
This process is not about judging or blaming others. This is a very powerful meditation
and the energies at work here are very real. Judging or blaming others during this meditation will only prolong your healing
and make it that much more difficult to release these energies in the future.
1. While sitting in your meditation
place pick an issue. It is probably best to pick a simple one until you are familiar with the process. For most people the
first time the issue usually picks itself.
2. If you have a standard practice to begin your meditation that puts you
in a relaxed an open place you can use this to begin.
3. Now begin to focus on your breathing. Follow the in and out
breath without attempting to control the breath. Do this for 8 to 10 repetitions.
4. Next we will do a series of affirmations
in conjunction with the breath work. It is important to focus on the energy connected with these affirmations as you are breathing.
The first part of each affirmation is the same and you will repeat the words on the in breath. The second part of each one
is different and you will repeat it on the out breath. All three are done in order and the order is repeated each time. You
repeat the affirmations in order 1, 2, and 3 and then start at 1 again. Do the affirmations for about 15 minutes.
*
(in breath) I Am
* (out breath) Whole and Complete
* (in breath) I Am
* (out breath) As God created
Me
* (in breath) I Am
* (out breath) Completely Safe
5. Now you will want to focus on the experience
that you chose at the beginning. It is important to remember that this time during this experience you are in complete control.
Now begin to replay the experience in your mind. Focus in a very clear and objective way on the conversation(s) you had and
as best you can remember what each of you said.
6. When you finish replay only your portion of the conversation. If
you see (and you will) places where you treated the other person unfairly, were rude, or just went on a relentless attack
you will want to sincerely offer an apology and ask for forgiveness. Prepare the content of your apology and imagine placing
it inside a beautifully wrapped package. Take this package and place it front of the person (in your mind). Bow three times
and each time say I am sorry. Then leave. (Again in your mind) You are not concerned with what happens to the package or what
they do with. Your focus should be on making a sincere, no strings attached apology.
7. Take a few minutes to breathe
and repeat the affirmations for 1 to 2 minutes. You just want to recompose for the next step and not lose momentum.
8.
Now replay their portion of the conversation. This time be absolutely quiet. Try to forget your original reaction. It sometimes
helps to see yourself as an uninterested third party taking notes. Listen very carefully. Now replay it again and focus on
the point the other was trying to convey. Think about how you would convey the same point. When they are finished thank them
for sharing in the most sincere way you can. Now ask them if there is anything else they would like to say. Very often you
will receive a great deal of insight into your relationship(s) at this point. So, Listen carefully!
9. Next you need
to imagine their entire conversation as a whole piece. Allow the conversation to take whatever energetic form that seems appropriate.
Remember you are not being attacked here but merely listening to what was expressed without any judgment.
10. While
looking at this energetic package begin to watch your breathing and repeat the affirmations. When you are ready you need to
allow this package to fully enter your heart center. Continue to breath and repeat the affirmations. Very soon you will experience
a deep sense of peace. When you do look into the eyes of the person and say:
11. I have fully received your wondrous
gift. Thank you for taking the time to share your wisdom with me.
12. I am most grateful for your gift, but it is
no longer something I need.
13. Now look deeply into your heart center, repeat the affirmations, and allow the energy
you received to turn into pure love and light. Now repeat these words:
14. I have transmuted your gift into pure love
and I joyfully return it to you in the fullness of love and joy
15. Now imagine that this new gift of love is flowing
from your heart center to theirs. When the transfer is complete say:
16. I am honored to have shared this learning
opportunity with you. May all beings be blessed by the love we have shared today.
17. Thank them again and return
to your heart center. Focus on your breathing and begin the affirmations again. Do this for about 3 minutes or less. Slowly
bring yourself out of your meditation. Stand up, and when you are ready bow one time and thank the universe for this healing
opportunity.
Special Note From William York: I have been working with Reiki since 1984 and for the last 25 years have
been actively supporting others on their individual paths. Through silent meditation and Reiki my work is directed towards
giving each individual the tools she or he needs to remember and experience the fullness of their own divine being. Peace
lives inside each of us. Are you ready to unlock the door?
http://healing.about.com/library/uc_meditation_0301.htm
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11-19-05
Relationships begin with you
(Sorry, I neglected to copy the source)
Relationships
begin with you, because you are half of any relationship you join. So start with yourself! Don't count on a relationship to
"cure" a poor self-image. It won't work. But here are some measures that can:
* Make an inventory of your best, most
attractive qualities and affirm them to yourself often.
* Avoid unrealistic standards and all-or-nothing thinking:
"If I don't make an A on every test, I'm a total failure."
* Challenge yourself to accept and absorb compliments:
a simple "thank you" raises self-esteem; negations, such as, "You like this outfit? I think it makes me look dumpy," lower
self-esteem.
* Remember that there are no guarantees. Making gains requires taking risks. Seek out new experiences
and people; then approach them with openness and curiosity. Each is an opportunity.
* Don't expect overnight success.
Close friendships and intimate love relationships both take time to develop.
One thing that's difficult for me in
relationships is "hanging on to myself." It seems that once I get close to someone -- roommate, friend, or lover -- I give
in and accommodate so much that there's nothing left of me.
It's hard to experience fulfillment in a relationship
which is not equal and reciprocal. The best way to avoid "giving yourself up" in a relationship is to develop some assertiveness
skills. Learn how to express your feelings, beliefs, opinions, and needs openly and honestly. Here are some guidelines:
*
When stating your feelings, use "I-statements." Avoid accusatory or blaming "you-statements." They usually only result in
defensiveness and counterattacks.
* You have a right to have feelings and to make requests. State them directly and
firmly and without apology.
* Acknowledge the other person's point of view, but repeat your request as many times
as necessary.
* Learn to say "no" to unreasonable requests. Offer a reason -- not an excuse -- if you choose, but
your feelings are reason enough. Trust them.
Won't I lose my friends and lover if I always insist on getting my own
way?
Assertiveness is not about always getting your way. Nor is it about coercing or manipulating. Those are acts
of aggression. An assertion does not violate another's rights, and it does not preclude compromise. But a compromise, by definition,
meets the needs of both people as much as possible. If your friend or lover is unwilling to compromise or has no respect for
your feelings, maybe there's not so much to lose.
I hear a lot about "co-dependency" in relationships. What exactly
is that?
Co-dependency originally referred to the spouses or partners of alcoholics and the ways they attempt to control
the effects of the other person's dependency on alcohol or drugs. More recently, the term has been used to refer to any relationship
in which one person feels incomplete without the other and thus tries to control him/her. Some characteristics of co-dependency
are:
* Fear of change or growth in the other person.
* Looking to the other person for affirmation and self-esteem.
* Feeling unsure where you end and the other person begins.
* Exaggerated fear of abandonment.
* Psychological
games and manipulation.
A healthy relationship is one that allows for the individuality and growth of both persons,
is open to change, and allows both individuals to express their feelings and needs.
Saying goodbye is one the most
avoided and feared human experiences. As a culture, we have no clear-cut rituals for ending relationships or saying goodbye
to valued others. So we are often unprepared for the variety of feelings we experience in the process. Here are some guidelines
many people find helpful:
* Allow yourself to feel the sadness, anger, fear, and pain associated with an ending. Denying
those feelings or keeping them inside will only prolong them.
* Recognize that guilt, self-blame, and bargaining are
our defenses against feeling out of control, feeling unable to stop the other person from leaving us. But there are some endings
we can't control because we can't control another person's behavior.
* Give yourself time to heal, and be kind to
yourself for the duration: pamper yourself, ask for support from others, and allow yourself new experiences and friends.
I
seem to get into the same pattern in all my relationships. I get afraid of losing my partner; then we get into a big argument
and break up in anger. Sometimes I even think I may have picked a fight just because I'm scared to keep the relationship going.
Does this make any sense?
Yes, it makes a lot of sense, and congratulations on recognizing a pattern. That's the first
step towards change. People get into a variety of painful or "dysfunctional" patterns in relationships. Often, those patterns
are based on old fears and "unfinished business" from childhood.
If you feel "stuck" in a pattern and unable to change
it, talking to a professional counselor may help.
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11-19-05
"How do I end a relationship without hurting someone's feelings?"
By Dr. Margaret Paul
In my counseling practice,
I often hear the question, "How do I end a relationship without hurting someone's feelings?" Whether it's a romantic relationship
or a friendship, ending it gracefully is generally a challenge.
The problem arises because so many people see it as
a reflection of their worth when someone doesn't want to be with them. "If I was good enough, this person would want to be
with me, so there must be something wrong with me."
There is another way to see this. The way I see it is that for
each of us there is a relatively small number of people with whom we feel a deep connection. Whether you want to explain this
as due to being part of the same soul group in the spiritual realm, or to having similar energies, or to chemistry, the fact
is that we don't feel connected to most people. Just because I don't feel connected with someone doesn't mean there is anything
wrong with them. Just because you don't feel drawn to spend time with someone doesn't mean there is anything wrong with that
person, and just because someone doesn't connect with you doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. It's just the way
things are, and it has nothing to do with there being anything wrong with anyone.
So if I say to someone, "I don't
feel a strong connection between us," I am simply stating a fact. I am not making a judgment about the person's adequacy or
worth.
All of us meet perfectly wonderful people with whom we just don't feel a connection. The person might be very
attractive, have similar interests to us, and even be on a similar growth path or spiritual path. Yet we just don't connect.
The spark that ignites friendship or romance just doesn't exist. If we could all accept that someone not wanting to be with
us has nothing to do with our worth, we would not get hurt when someone says no to a relationship.
I don't pretend
to understand all the factors that create connection between two people. All I know is that all of us have the experience
of connection with another that occurs deeply and rapidly, as well as the experience of a lack of connection. Many people
have had the experience of being fixed up with someone because a friend said, "I just know you two will like each other. You
are so similar," only to discover a complete lack of connection. Katie, a client of mine, recently said to me, "Everyone said
Rick is perfect for me. We look good together, we have similar interests and backgrounds, we are the same religion, we are
equal educationally, and he is a really sweet guy. I kept thinking that if I just gave it time, I would feel the connection.
But it never happened. I felt so badly breaking up with him because there is nothing wrong with him, but the connection just
isn't there."
Is it anyone's fault that the chemistry or connection isn't there? Of course not! There is nothing wrong
with either Katie or Rick. The connection just isn't there for Katie. She couldn't make it be there. She ended up saying to
Rick, "You are a really terrific guy. I wish I felt the connection with you that I want to have with a partner, but I don't.
It's not your fault - it's just not there."
Whether or not Rick felt hurt by this is really up to him. Katie can't
take responsibility for how he feels. If Rick has the belief system that not everyone will feel connected with everyone, he
will not feel hurt. If he has the belief system that if a woman doesn't connect with him, there is something wrong with him,
he will feel hurt. His hurt will come from his belief system, not from the fact that Katie broke up with him.
Ending
a relationship gracefully means speaking our truth without blame or judgment and not taking responsibility for another's feelings.
Randi, another one of my clients, recently told me that she was able to tell the truth rather than give herself up to avoid
hurting someone. A friend had introduced her to Barb, thinking that Randi and Barb had a lot in common and could be good friends.
Randi got together with Barb and felt no connection. In fact, she felt the opposite. While Randi felt that Barb was a sweet
person, she also felt Barb's energy pulling on her in various ways. While some people might not mind needy energy, or even
find it endearing, Randi didn't like it at all. She was pleased with herself because she was able to tell Barb that she just
didn't feel a connection with her. Randi was able to let go of taking responsibility for Barb's feelings if Barb felt hurt
by this.
Is there always a way of breaking up or saying no to a relationship without someone getting hurt? No. But
by gently speaking your truth, you can gracefully end a relationship, and if you accept that another's feelings come from
his or her belief system, then you won't feel guilty if the other person feels hurt.
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11-21-05
Saying Good-bye
Saying goodbye is one the most avoided and feared human experiences. As a culture, we have no clear-cut rituals for ending
relationships or saying goodbye to valued others. So we are often unprepared for the variety of feelings we experience in
the process. Here are some guidelines many people find helpful:
* Allow yourself to feel the sadness, anger, fear,
and pain associated with an ending. Denying those feelings or keeping them inside will only prolong them.
* Recognize
that guilt, self-blame, and bargaining are our defenses against feeling out of control, feeling unable to stop the other person
from leaving us. But there are some endings we can't control because we can't control another person's behavior.
*
Give yourself time to heal, and be kind to yourself for the duration: pamper yourself, ask for support from others, and allow
yourself new experiences and friends.
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11-21-05
Letting Go, Letting Be
How do you spell relief? For starters, stop trying to change things you have no control over.
Q. I hear a lot about letting go, but how do I do it? There seems to be few teachings on the subject, except that letting
go and practicing nonattachment are supposed to be good things to do.
A. The Buddha said we experience the peace of nirvana by letting things be as they are. Indeed, applying the Beatles'
exhortation to "Let It Be" to our lives can bring a lot of serenity and equanimity. My own personal Buddhist bumper
sticker is "breathe, relax and smile." It works for road rage and for diminishing all kinds of problems. Repeat
after me: "Breathe, relax and smile." Now that's not so hard, is it?
Of course, if it were that easy, we'd all be enlightened by now. Letting go, letting be, or embodying the Buddhist term
"nonattachment" greatly reduces and even alleviates suffering. In fact, it is the goal of Buddhism. Buddha taught
that the cause of suffering is craving and attachment. Therefore, letting go of our tight-fisted grasping is in our own self-interest,
as it helps erode our wellspring of dissatisfaction and anxiety.
Attachment is like holding on tightly to something that is always slipping through my fingers--it just gives me rope burn.
For me, attachment is like holding on tightly to something that is always slipping through my fingers--it just gives me
rope burn. But letting go--nonattachment--relieves the constant, painful irritation. A good example of this is not being able
to fall asleep at night because you keep turning something over and over in your mind. It's one of those times when letting
go is obviously a necessary virtue, and having some kind of relaxation tool can be extraordinarily helpful.
Scientific research has shown that people who are optimistic and have an ability to accept or let go of negative memories,
experiences, and events tend to be healthier and live longer than people who are pessimistic and worry about or try to change
things that are out of their control. Indeed, acceptance is actually transformative, and awareness is curative. Sometimes
mistaken for passivity or complacency, acceptance has a powerful magic that is actually quite dynamic and creative. Have you
ever noticed, for example, how accepting your mate rather than trying to change him or her ends up improving your relationship?
The easiest way to work on letting go and letting be is to notice your tendency to want things to be different from what
they are and to practice giving up that strong preference. The Third Chinese Patriarch of Zen sang, "The Way is not difficult
for those who have few preferences."
There are many means to letting go, from surrendering to God's will, if that is your faith, to undertaking the mind-training
techniques of Buddhism. The following are a few simple steps that aid the practice of letting go, regardless of your beliefs
or religious affiliation.
Fundamentally, letting go requires just two steps: (1) becoming aware of whatever arises within the field of your experience
or consciousness, and then (2) becoming aware of how you relate to it. These two steps can be broken down further into five
steps.
We begin to realize that the purpose of meditative awareness is not to have good or bad experiences but to see how we
relate to all phenomena and learn to act on them more skillfully.
# First, practice being aware of whatever arises in your experience--a physical sensation, thought, or emotion--rather
than repressing, suppressing, or ignoring it.
# Second, try to observe whatever arises, without judgment or reaction.
# Third, investigate and examine the feeling, thought, or emotion, without bringing external or internal activity to bear
on it.
# Fourth, if the thought, feeling, or sensation requires that you act, decide how to channel your energy into action,
or
# Fifth, simply release the sensation, thought, or feeling, recognizing the transitory, empty nature of all experiences.
Because our minds cycle through so many thoughts in the course of a day, or even a minute, they are a good place to start
in the practice of letting go. In his book "Full Catastrophe Living," meditation teacher Jon Kabat-Zinn writes:
"Letting go is not a pushing away of your thoughts or a shutting them off, or repressing them or rejecting them. [In
meditation], you are allowing the thoughts to do whatever they do as you keep your attention on the breath as best you can,
moment by moment."
A simple practice for bringing about that attention is to breathe in, saying "Ohhh," and then, while breathing
out, say "Kaaayyy." A more advanced mantra practice is to relax and say, "As it is," while breathing in;
then say, "As it is," again while breathing out. Riding the breath softens up and relaxes the hardened, recalcitrant
mind and reduces stress and tension--much of which accumulates from resisting things as they are.
Through letting go and letting be, we realize we don't always have to do so much and can rely more on just "being."
We find that wanting always leaves us wanting in the long run. The relief that arises from dynamic mindfulness combined with
nonreactive awareness brings great relief. Things happen by themselves, come and go, appear and disappear, like dreams or
apparitions, in our bodies, minds, and in the world around us, and there's very little we need do about it.
This flowing river of change is our being. As we learn that nothing is worth grasping on to or identifying with, we begin
to realize that the purpose of meditative awareness is not to have good or bad experiences, pleasant or unpleasant experiences,
but to see how we relate to all phenomena and learn to act on them more skillfully. As T.S. Eliot wrote, "Teach us to
care and not to care." Letting go is the practice, and the art, of being.
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11-21-05
10 Signs It's Time to Break Up
Sometimes, good things end. That'S just the way life is. Sometimes, bad things continue due to neglect or fear. This ISN'T
the way life should be!
I continue to tell people, the problem isn'Tt that there are too many divorces -- there are too many marriages! So many
people hook up with partners that are (or become) unhealthy for them, then find that they can't bring themselves to break
it off -- sometimes out of fear of being alone, sometimes through convincing by their friends or family, sometimes through
concern of how they will look, sometimes through simple neglect, etc.
When should a relationship break up? Simple: when it no longer provides benefit to one or both partners. In other words,
if you aren'tt getting what you want or need from being with someone, or if you recognize that your partner isn't getting
what they want or need it's time to move on.
I've had some people say to me, ' that a little selfish -- what about the person you're dumping?' To this I answer, 'How
can it be good for someone to stay with a person that doesn't want to be with him or her? After all, how low does your self-esteem
(let alone your self-respect) have to be to want to do this? It is by far much healthier to go about finding the relationship
that works for you -- that gives you what you need, than to apathetically cling to something that isn't fulfilling. Life is
too short for this, and you deserve better'.
So, how do you know when to break off your relationship? Here are 10 signs to watch for. Note that most people encounter
one, two or more of these things periodically. However if you're finding that you experience more than a few consistently--
over a longer period, it'ts probably time to move on:
10. You no longer look forward to spending time alone with your partner.
You may still have a good sex life (or not!) but actually talking to your partner seems like a chore. If spending time
alone with your partner seems like a prison sentence you may be up for a parole.
9. You begin comparing your partner to others.
This is particularly true when other people seem more appealing to you. We all find others 'often those we don't have'
attractive. If however, you find that you're comparing specific traits -- a person's voice, their neatness, the way they carry
themselves, etc., against others; especially things your partner can't change - you should re-evaluate your relationship.
8. You criticize or 'micro-manage' your partner
If you're always concerned that your partner's socks aren't exactly right for his pants, or that she wears too much make-up,
or that he or she just can't seem to take their responsibilities seriously, don't look at them-- look at yourself. People
that are in love tend to look beyond minor annoyances to the bigger picture. If you're having trouble doing this you may want
to work on your exit plan.
7. You start trying to change your partner
Many people fall in love with people that excite them, but find that this excitement isn't good for them in the long term.
On the other hand, they may find someone 'stable' that doesn't provide enough variety in their relationship. If you find that
you're constantly trying to convert your partner from the person you fell in love with, it may be time to bolt.
6. You re-connect with ex lovers
It's one thing to send an ex-girlfriend a birthday card. It is entirely another to take her out for dinner and a movie
'just to catch up'. The trick here is to be honest about your motivations. If you had the chance to sleep with him or her,
would you? Are you looking for approval or an ego-boost from him or her? Have you forgotten why you broke up in the first
place?
5. His or her jokes are no longer funny
Of course, you may have heard them 1,000 times, but people in love tend to look beyond this repetitiveness. They see that
their partner is being humorous, not how funny something is or isn't.
4. You're doing all the giving -- or all the getting
Relationships are about mutual benefit. If one partner is benefiting over the other, the relationship isn't healthy. This
doesn't mean that everything should be exactly balanced. For example, just because one partner spends $50 on a birthday present,
that the other should spend exactly that amount. Nor does it mean that both partners should always split a dinner check. If
one person pays all the time, and the other doesn't at least cook a few meals, there is something wrong and unhealthy about
the relationship.
3. You constantly find ways to include others in your activities
Always including others indicates that you're not looking forward to being alone with your partner. Of course, you need
time with your friends, but if you never have private time, or the only time you're alone is when you're having sex, perhaps
the problem is in the company.
2. Your friends no longer like being around you when you're with your partner
Your friends don't have to dislike your partner -- perhaps they don't like what affect your partner has one YOU! Consider
that your relationship with your friends is at least as important in the long run as your relationship with your partner.
In fact, it may be MORE important as they will see you as you really are, and will be there even if he or she isn't-- IF you
treat them right!
1. You no longer feel good about yourself
At first, this seems like a strange warning sign about your relationship, but think about how you felt when you first
hooked up with your partner. You felt great about yourself and your world. If this is now lacking where it was there before,
you may want to look at your relationship.
-----> **My Comments:
Are you considering leaving a relationship or getting a divorce? Here's how to make the best decision possible about Whether
to Stay in or leave your relationship... Should You Stay or Should You Go?
**AN ONLINE PUBLICATION- I purchased a copy of this book for my daughter several years ago. She said she found it very
useful and informative. PDPJ
**11-28-05 ~ I located my copy of this publication and have listed the link for a download on the LINKS page. This book
came with 3 other publications and the links are given for those as well.
another book :
I have found the effective 4-Step "strategy" to help you survive the relationship crisis, heal your broken heart
and bring back your love. That is called Bring Back the Love of Your Life! I highly recommend it. See what you think... Bring
Back the Love of Your Life!
( I don't know anything about this particular book - this was part of the article as it address similiar issues)
PDPJ
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11-21-05
Letting go of a broken relationship that does not nourish us: the why and how
Most people have relationships in their past that didn't work. Most people have one such relationship that is very hard
to let go of. This type of a relationship will be covered in the next two columns.
There are two points to look at when we can not let go of a relationship in our past. When our partner was at their best,
they met all of our needs. They were a perfect fit for us in our mind. If they could be the way they were with us 100% of
the time, rather then 10% or 20 %, we would be in love forever. The times that they were everything we needed are very hard
to let go of. We have been looking for that kind of a match all of our lives.
Here was a person who could meet our needs the way we wanted. We knew they could, because they had. But they wouldn't.
We wanted to make them. We did everything possible to make them be the way we wanted them to be 100% percent of the time.
We sent them to therapy, we talked to them. We used all of the tricks in the book to evoke the behaviors we craved.
Finally we left the relationship. We knew we deserve better than just some percentage of what we wanted. But the attachment
to our ex-partner lingers. It lingers because we never succeeded in making them fulfill our needs completely. This means we
failed. It also lingers because we are angry that they had what we wanted and would not give it to us. For an explanation
of the dynamic around the sense of failure please see column #1.
Let's talk about the issues of anger. Have you ever been in a situation when someone has something you want but won't
give it to you? As far as you can see, it would be very simple for him or her. It may look like they are not doing what you
want for no reason, just to be difficult, or to spite you. How do you feel in that kind of a situation? Most people would
feel very angry, at least initially. They may also find that their mind will go over the situation again and again. Same thing
happens in relationships. Because your partner had what you wanted, could clearly provide it, and yet did not, you find you
are angry. You may also find you are repetitively thinking about him or her. Anger is a great way to stay connected to someone,
albeit not a positive way. When we are angry at something or someone it overtakes our whole life, it becomes our god. Anger
will permeate every interaction and activity we are involved in. This is one reason we find our past relationships hard to
let go of.
There is also another reason why it's hard to let go of this type of a relationship. It is possible that the person we
were involved with truly had great qualities. Perhaps with them we had truly an incredible connection. Maybe they loved us
even more than we loved them. They may still love us. The only problem in the relationship was that they could only love a
part of the time. The rest of the time, they acted hurtfully toward us. And yet it is very difficult to discount and throw
away the connection that we had. It is even more difficult if they are still in our circle of friends. And more difficult
still when we interact with the wonderful, caring side of them.
All this pulls at our heart. It throws us back into the dynamic of anger. It also catapults us in to grief. The grief
is about a relationship that has died with a person that we truly love who is alive. It is so much easier to let go of someone
when it is clear they don't care about us. It may even be easier to let go of someone that dies, because there is nothing
that can be done. But to let go of someone that is well and alive and loves us is an incredible task. Yet let go we must if
our partner is not willing to meet our needs. And if we are ever to be fulfilled in any relationship, we must complete with
our past partner.
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11-26-05
Relationship Break Up Advice
Want out? Here is some relationship break up advice that will help to end a relationship with a minimum of pain!
Minimize Pain When Ending a Relationship
By Robert Torrey
Ending a relationship is never easy. When you feel you must end a relationship most people find it challenging as they
have feelings towards their partner and do not wish to hurt them.
More often than not, breaking up is as hard on the person ending the relationship as it is on the person being broken
up with. Realize that a person is breaking up has nothing to do with caring about another person. Caring about somebody and
wanting a relationship are not the same.
The majority of people on this planet do not like to hurt others, especially somebody they have been close to. Guilt has
been used more often than not to keep relationships together. Fight this urge and believe in yourself! When you allow guilt
as a way to stop a break up you not only cheat yourself out of having a good and true relationship, you'll foster resentment
towards the other person which could lead to greater pain and heartache in the future. Why would you want to be with somebody
who makes you feel bad by allowing you to feel guilty? Respect yourself!
A man should exit gracefully by planning the break up, to minimize the grief caused to his partner.
Don't just ignore her hoping she will notice and go away. You might have learned a little bit about push/pull as a term
we use in seduction. That only tends to bring somebody in closer. Which is the exact opposite of what you want.
The I think you're a great girl and I don't deserve you line will seem ok to her at first, but later on she will start
to resent that. She could also go into how you DO deserve her and try to convince you.
Honesty really is the best policy. Treating the relationship, and the person, with respect and dignity helps soften the
blow.
When you break up, Do it in person. Show some integrity and sincerity to tell her that the relationship isn't going anywhere.
In our workshops we teach how verbal communication is only 7% of the total communication between people. If she also sees
closed off body language it will be easier for closure for her eventually.
Telling somebody you are breaking up in person is never easy, but you owe it to her to break the news to her personally.
This means not on the phone, definitely not over e-mail, but rather, face to face where she can get eye contact and read your
body language. The universal line of 'we need to talk'should be given in advance. This allows her to prepare for what is coming
and helps soften the blow a little bit. Do not put too much time between the 'We need to talk' and actual breakup as the waiting
time in between is very uncomfortable if delayed long.
On doing some research on this I read a suggestion about breaking up in the exact same place you met if possible. This
is to suggest that the relationship has completed a circle. A place where she has a lot of happy memories might help neutralize
some of the new sad ones.
Ending a relationship gracefully means speaking our piece without blame or judgment and not taking responsibility for
another's feelings. It is important to make eye contact,and give body language that is open while you are communicating (which
suggests you are VERY open to what you are saying) than give closed off body language after finishing your piece. To suggest
you are not open to hearing anything else. Say your words sincerely, leave no room for doubt, and never back down - especially
when she starts to cry and you feel horrible.
Then give that person some space usually a few months at least. Do not try to get cozy with the person as this can really
mess with somebody's head a lot as they will use this as hope that you are getting back together. This is the only way to
keep pain to a minimum when ending a relationship.
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11-27-05
7 Breakup Tips For A Broken Relationship
By Amanda Greene
Relationship Correspondent - Every 2nd Monday
When a relationship is on its last leg, who ends it? Recognizing that her habits have become annoying instead of cute
is just the start. Her rude cell phone calls mid-meal, the way she thinks she's always right, and her complete lack of respect
for your opinion should all be sending you a clear message.
Relationships often go bad -- and stay that way. Even when both people know that they would be happier with someone else,
it's human nature to procrastinate about difficult decisions. So rather than riding inertia's wave, use these seven helpful
tips to break loose and move on.
1- Make her the first to know
Out of respect for her, never tell your friends you're going to end it before telling her it's over. It's a simple thing
women consider sacred. The all too connected grapevine is not the place she should or deserves to be told that you're no longer
interested. You could discuss some relationship problems you're having with your buddies, but leave your final decision to
break up with her out of it.
Use your judgment to decide which day would be best to break the news to her. If she's very emotional and you think that
you'll break her heart, try to do it on a Friday. This will give her the weekend to recover and spend time with friends. But
if she's the type to plow through full steam ahead, then perhaps ending it on a Monday is best. This will ensure that her
busy workweek will keep her mind off the breakup and you.
Remember that there will be no "perfect time" to end the relationship. The best thing to do is set a random
Monday or Friday to break up -- and stick to it.
2- Find a neutral zone
It's not fair to end the relationship at your place, nor should you be forced to see a picture of you and her hugging
on her fridge. Try to find a neutral space where both of you would be comfortable to express your feelings, like a park. At
least there you can walk and talk, or maybe even find a more secluded spot.
A restaurant, on the other hand, is a bad choice. If she makes a scene, there's no respectful recovery and no quick way
out. But fear of embarrassment is never a reason to leave her in the middle of nowhere. No matter how emotional and heated
the conversation gets, there's no excuse for risking her safety or yours.
3- End it in person
If you've lost that loving feeling, be courteous and tell her face-to-face. Phone calls and e-mail are fine for small
talk, but this is a big issue. It's natural to want as much distance as possible between you and her when you break the bad
news, but in this case, fight your instincts and have the decency to say it to her face.
Be an emotional rock
- Keep it simple
There's no need to put her through the history of your decision to break up. She does deserve an explanation, but save
her (and yourself) the long-winded reasons of exactly why and how things went sour. Be clear about the fact that you feel
the relationship is at an end, but balance that crystal clear reality with a significant dose of regret.
It's important to let her know that the decision to split up is difficult for you too. By letting this be known, you make
a soon to be ex-girlfriend a friend in mutual sorrow. A few words to the wise: don't say you're going to call if you're not
going to. Part of keeping it simple also includes ending it smoothly -- be fair to both you and her.
If you're unclear about how you're ending it with her, it could result in a dragged out breakup. Don't break up in stages
-- if you want to sever the ties, there's no time like the present.
5- Get her to see your point of view
Who can argue with logic? You're probably not the only one that's been feeling the relationship going downhill. A dose
of reality might be just what the doctor ordered to get her to accept what it is you need to say -- and do -- about it. A
good way to get her to understand why you and she aren't best suited for one another is through a simple example. But make
sure you get her to start the ball rolling.
Ask her if she's been feeling the lag in your relationship. She'll probably have quite a few examples about why things
haven't been working out. Letting her talk it through will help her see why you brought the topic up in the first place.
6- Don't change your mind
There's a big reason why you made the decision to confront her with the end of your relationship. She may argue, cry or
even "not understand why you're doing this," but be sure and stick to your guns. There's nothing worse than a flip-flop
relationship -- you're either in or out. So make sure you have rebuttals for all her potential comebacks.
7- Be ready for tears
Whether she's glad you said something or not, chances are tears will be shed. Ending a relationship can bring intense
emotion and she's not about to save you from seeing it all pour out at once. When she does start to cry, be sympathetic but
don't be drawn in by an overflow of powerful emotion. Be an emotional rock.
Make sure to have plans set with friends later that day. This will ensure that the breakup process isn't dragged on longer
than necessary and that you're not alone if you feel bad about what just happened.
know when to fold 'em
Ending a relationship is never easy. But having the courage to follow through with your decision will make both you and
her happier when the relationship has already passed its "best before" date. Be true to your emotions and do what's
best for you, and her.
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11-27-05
Random Thoughts to a Coaching Client
Letting go is not complicated. It is simple. Not easy. Simply identify the situation you want to let go of and ask yourself,
"Am I willing to waste my energy further on this matter?" If the answer is "no," then that's it! Let go.
Telling someone is a bonus. Detachment is only for you, never for another. It promotes healing. Choice is always present when
you let go. You do not have to let go and there are consequences.
Letting go of behavioral patterns that no longer serve us often feels as though we are risking our safety and comfort.
Calculated risks taken for the benefit of our own well being are worth taking. This form of movement is safer than standing
still. Those who remain stationary become an easy target for misery of their own creation.
The energy we expend by holding on often leaves us drained and with a feeling of hopelessness.
Letting go does not mean you should stop doing whatever it takes to make your relationship work. Let go of your expectations
about how you think it might work out and instead focus all your energy on what you want, not what you don't want.
Expectations vs. Needs! We often expect our love partner to make the best choices for themselves and our relationship
and when they are not our choices, we often get angry or disappointed. . . or both. Most people call this situation a problem:
a problem we create by our expectations. Try
this: "no expectations, fewer disappointments." It's that simple. Not easy. Simple. No expectations equals unconditional
love.
We all experience the need to have healthy choices exercised and when they don't show up, we either choose to have conversations
about them or not. If the choices are abusive and therefore unacceptable, we begin to think about
making a responsible choice to leave the relationship. However, always picking our lover apart because their choices are
not the ones we would make can only point the relationship in the direction of failure.
If we could accept the notion that everyone is doing the best they can, regardless of whether their choices are our choices,
our attitude about our relationship would improve and perhaps the relationship we have would become the relationship we enjoy
being in.
We must learn to distinguish between expectations and needs. Everyone has a need to be loved, to be understood, to be
accepted and to be forgiven when necessary. For us to have expectations about how those needs get fulfilled
can only cause disappointment.
Unfulfilled expectations always causes problems. It is important to allow our love partner the freedom to fulfill our
needs in their own best way. To do so, can only inspire a love that goes far beyond what we ever could have
imagined! What you can be with in life. . . lets you be!
It takes no strength to let go; only courage. Courage is a byproduct of a positive self-image.
When there seems to be a lack of love, it is only that you are keeping it away.
Whenever you feel lonely, deprived or rejected, tell yourself that there is never a lack of love. Love is always available
everywhere, especially inside of you. Then stop and realize, you can always open your heart. You can give
to others the love you have been longing for. When you do this, not only do you feel better, but love from others soon
comes streaming back to you.
Exercise: Look around and see who is right there around you. Find something positive about that. Become aware of your
negative judgments of them and let them go. Become aware of the distance that you are creating between the two
of you by your own thoughts. Now, find something else positive about them. If you feel you can, tell them. (This step
make take awhile to do. It is not absolutely necessary in the beginning, just finding something positive is a
great help as well).
This action of finding something positive about another person, and "letting go" of negative, judgmental thoughts
about them, is in itself an act of love. It is a way of exercising our love giving-receiving ability, strengthening our muscles
and seeing the beauty in everyone.
We are strongest when we are letting go of what doesn't work. That's change in action. When we open our mind to behave
in a different way, we create the freedom to love. To open our hearts to love is perhaps the greatest gift we
can give to ourselves.
When you finally understand that it is "not" unfashionable to negotiate situations rather than standing firm
and allowing the past to rule your present, relationships become relationships you can live with.
When you understand that time spent justifying your position that is not working is futile, you can then move forward
with a velocity that frees you to address the issues and deploy solutions that are clearly essential to
everyone's well-being.
We use reasons to explain away why we don't want to do something different; reasons why we don't want to change. If we
know that doing something different might help the situation, not doing something different is called "stupid."
The best reason why has never solved the problem.
Often reasons why are understandable, however what is not understandable is why we feel the need to have our lives dominated
by reasons why we didn't do something different instead of results. When we make the decision to go for
results in our love relationships. . . that's the real moment we make a decision to grow and prosper.
May all your prayers be "thank yous!"
posted by Larry James
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11-28-05
Letting Go
2as1.Net
When is it time to let go of a relationship?
Many times we hang on to our relationships despite the fact that they are not supportive, caring or advantageous to personal
growth and development.
Why do we hang on to these people for dear life, even though in our hearts we know that it is time to let go and move
forward with our life? What hold do these people have on our lives that we hang on to their slightest shred of encouragement
or loving words that we so desperately want to hear?
We are ready to give many reasonable excuses why we choose to stay in negative and self-defeating relationships. The
list is endless: children, financial obligations, fear of being alone, embarrassment and shame of once again not meeting the
expectations of others and society.
Then, of course, there are those magic words, "Maybe they will change if I love them just a little bit more".
The hitch is that it is human nature to hold on to the people in your life. Letting go is so painful, stressful and confusing
that one does not want to feel the familiar pain of yet another unsuccessful personal experience.
Unfortunately, it is difficult at the time to imagine that letting go may possibly be the best thing that you could ever
do for yourself and your family. We become so entrenched in the relationship that letting go does not seem a possibility,
despite all the red flags and blaring horns that you see and hear throughout the relationship.
The questions you need to as yourself are:
* "Do I want this person in my life five years from now if they stay the way they are now?"
* "How much does this person need to change, so that I am not feeling like I am suffocating and /or drowning?"
You must comprehend that the only person you can change is you, and accept that it takes a huge amount of work and desire
to change. Take the time to look at your relationship, and ask yourself the following question: "Is this what I really
want for my life?"
The worst possible scenario is that you wake up five years from now feeling like you wasted and lost precious years of
your life to change someone other than yourself. The best possible scenario is that you decide that you want to change and
move forward. That you take the first frightening step on your own and live a happier, healthier and a more fulfilling lifestyle
– and let the person/people in your life follow your lead.
Taking the first courageous step away from a negative, unfulfilling relationship that is not working for you is what makes
a lifestyle change so exciting, healthy and favourable. Usually, change occurs when the pain and discomfort becomes absolutely
intolerable and unbearable. It may take several attempts to make the change, and much soul searching and learning what you
want and need to feel fulfilled.
Behaviour signals that your relationship is in trouble:
* Verbal abuse
* Physical abuse
* Constant criticism
* Screaming, yelling and throwing things
* No assistance with household chores and children
* Control of money
* No friends
* Excessive drinking, drugging, gambling or any addictive behaviour
* Refusal of counselling or any kind of emotional help or support
* Refusal of medications that have been prescribed
* No desire for communication
* Extramarital affairs
* No support, attempted sabotage of all positive efforts to change
* No consideration, thoughtfulness or acknowledgement of partner's wants and needs
Have patience with yourself. The change will happen when you are ready to make it happen. Understanding that you can
do anything you want after the turmoil and shock of the change is the most liberating occurrence that a person can experience.
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