11-19-05
When an Intimate Relationship
Ends
When a relationship ends, we often experience a variety of feelings.
* We sometimes feel 'stunned' or
'shocked' because we did not anticipate that the relationship would end in the way that it did.
* We are often in
denial.
* We experience a great deal of anger towards our partner and also towards ourselves.
* We often blame
ourselves for the relationship break up.
* We often bargain with our partner not to go by saying "I will change if
you stay". This strategy only works temporarily. Your partner may stay in the relationship for a little while longer because
they feel guilty, or because they care about you, and deep down they do not want to hurt you. Eventually, the relationship
becomes even less fulfilling than before. It eventually ends.
It is important to remember that regardless of how much
we compromise in relationships, some relationships will ultimately end because people's needs change over time. Some relationships
are time limited. They are useful in shaping us into stronger, more resilient people. They teach us how to experience love,
joy and, sometimes, sadness, intense pain and grief. These feelings are normal, and they are necessary in the process of growing
and healing, so that we can eventually move on and engage in other more fulfilling relationships. Look after yourself and
your emotional needs. Be patient. Another relationship will come your way when you have allowed your feelings to heal and
have processed the lessons from the previous relationship.
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11-19-05
Feelings at the End of a Relationship
The following are common, normal feelings often experienced when a relationship ends. There is no right or wrong feeling
to have - we each react to the end of a relationship in our own unique way.
* Denial. We can't believe that this is happening to us. We can't believe that the relationship is over.
* Anger. We are angry and often enraged at our partner or lover for shaking our world to its core.
* Fear. We are frightened by the intensity of our feelings. We are frightened that we may never love or be loved again.
We are frightened that we may never survive our loss. But we will.
* Self-blame. We blame ourselves for what went wrong and replay our relationship over and over, saying to ourselves,
"If only I had done this. If only I had done that".
* Sadness. We cry, sometimes for what seems an eternity, for we have suffered a great loss.
* Guilt. We feel guilty particularly if we choose to end a relationship. We don't want to hurt our partner. Yet we
don't want to stay in a lifeless relationship.
* Disorientation and confusion. We don't know who or where we are anymore. Our familiar world has been shattered.
We've lost our bearings.
* Hope. Initially we may fantasize that there will be a reconciliation, that the parting is only temporary, that our
partner will come back to us. As we heal and accept the reality of the ending, we may dare to hope for a newer and better
world for ourselves.
* Bargaining. We plead with our partner to give us a chance. "Don't go", we say. "I'll change this
and I'll change that if only you'll stay".
* Relief. We can be relieved that there is an ending to the pain, the fighting, the torment, the lifelessness of the
relationship.
While some of these feelings may seem overwhelming, they are all "normal" reactions and are necessary to the
process of healing so that we can eventually move on and engage in other relationships. Be patient with yourself.
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11-21-05
Can we still be friends?
You invest so much into a relationship, you would think it shouldn't all go to waste after a break up. After all,
you have become true confidants, intimate partners, at times the most loyal of friends, why should you have to lose it all?
Maybe something can be salvaged. When the emotional attachment is strong, it is almost impossible to be friends immediately
after the fact. The pain is bad enough, without it being pushed under your nose everyday. So, if at all, how can to lovers
become... just friends? You need:
1. Time - each individual needs time to move on an re-establish themselves as...
an individual. One needs to put the past behind them and feel as if they have moved on to another chapter in their lives.
If one person is still in love and wants the relationship to continue, time must separate the two, until that person realizes
that he or she is moving on in life without the other as a special, intimate companion.
2. Discipline - There will
likely be some attraction left, at least for one of the former partners. There is also likely to be some of that special comfort,
that only an intimate committed couple should know. A couple who wants to just be friends really needs to be discipline with
each other, especially at the beginning of the friendship. They should probably limit: how much time they spend together,
how long should phone calls last, what kind of questions are asked, whether they can have any physical contact (we mean hugs
and kisses). If the former couple sets some boundaries, a friendship can build slowly and be built on same foundation upon
which a traditional friendship is based. The friendship can then develop on a different platform and not just be based on
former intimacy.
3. Communication, Understanding and Patience - Often people want to be friends, but they enter into
the friendship based on: guilt, loneliness, or hope for the romance to be rekindled. All of these feelings will likely cause
a post-relationship friendship to be grounds for more pain. Each individual needs to be honest with the other and with themselves
concerning their motives. You need to communicate, understand each others feelings. You may need to let more time to pass.
True empathy is difficult, but necessary to assist in this process. If you realize that, despite your best intentions, it
is more harmful than good to your "ex" to be... just friends, you need to step away.
You can be friends, but you can
never have what you had before: an intimate relationship. If you can truly separate the two and give it time, a loyal friendship
can result from a difficult break up.
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